No one knows when love began.

All I know is that it ended on a cold night in late June.

**The outline comes from this song.

21 January 2017----

It was 2:00 a.m. at the second floor window of a large house. Everything around is quiet. Except for thoughts as dark as the darkness of the sky at this time. By the window were only the remnants of a recently burned out cigarette. before lighting the third cigarette from the second pack of the day

'I will ask you for the last time. Break up with it.'

A voice heard only a few hours earlier. Still ringing in my head It was as if another person was still speaking in my ear.

'Father knows that I love him..' Words that have come out of my mouth hundreds of times. But it never worked.

'Before I die, I will ask you for the last time. Break up with it.'

A father who always tells his son to break up with another young man never works because Han Bin never listens to his father on this matter. But this evening, father told me bad news. That he himself is sick with terminal cancer. The doctor informed him that his condition would last no more than 6 months. He only told him that since he was a child he had never forbidden anything.

The only thing I ask for right now before I die is one thing: don't be gay. It would be easy if I could choose to be or not to be. But this happened on its own. He didn't even do anything.

Hanbin grew up in a society where homosexuality was full of obstacles. His father didn't accept it. along with strong opposition It's as if same-sex love is as wrong as killing someone. In spite of the fact that it has never even hurt anyone.

Jiwon and Hanbin's relationship Woven from the word friend Their love arose from the innocence of their youth. From a relationship since childhood

Maybe when Hanbin was 9 years old, when Hanbin first dared to ride a 2-wheeled bicycle with Jiwon riding in the back seat. Cars driven by beginners Can't go very far before sliding into the grass on the side of the road Amidst the laughter that reached both of Hanbin's knees

And even Ji-won's elbow will bleed.

Or when Hanbin was 11 and Jiwon was 12, Jiwon secretly stole his father's cigarettes that he had forgotten in his office. Then smoked together At that time we all coughed until our faces turned red. Then we looked at each other before laughing again.

Or when we secretly skip class? at the end of summer When we all jumped on bus number 43 without knowing where the bus would stop. By the time he got home, it was around 9:00 p.m. Hanbin got scolded by his father. Ji-won was hit by her mother. But we happily came back to tell each other the next morning.

Maybe it happened when we first shared our dreams. Ji Won wants to be a pilot. As for Hanbin, he wants to be a teacher. Or is it a dream that is beginning to change? Hanbin wants to be a scientist. Ji-won wants to be a doctor. And after that there were many dreams. Jiwon had once told him that she wanted to be a comedian. to make Hanbin laugh

Or maybe it was when we sat and looked at the sky together. Watch the clouds change into different shapes. Sit and look at it until the sky changes color. The street lights began to turn on one by one until the entire city was lit up. We all looked down at the square city in front of us. before turning to look at each other Jiwon leaned closer and we kissed.

Our first kiss

When we weren't good at kissing yet We still like to kiss and be close. Until now, Hanbin, who was 19, and Jiwon, who was 20, when their hands and lips knew their function. We still like to kiss each other.

Our childhoods belonged to each other. We all know that no one loves us the way we love each other. And no love like this can happen anymore.

22 January 2017----

Time: 4 p.m.

On the street, there were only two young men walking hand in hand. Destination this time It is the blue sea contrasting with the purple-pink sky.

Hanbin looked blankly at the clear water in front of him. I thought of the words my father had said yesterday evening, 'Before I die, I will ask you one last time. Break up with him' before a deep voice spoke in his ear.

“Forget our father. Forget everything,” Jiwon said, tightening his hold on the other person. "It's just us here."

Hanbin turned to look at the person in front of him who had a strong expression. But in his eyes, he clearly showed weakness. Hanbin smiled and hugged the other person loosely. They both knew that the other was not much stronger than the other. In this city, love like ours is forbidden. Gay love has been pushed out of the world. It's like being left alone even though you didn't do anything wrong.

We run around and play. and were extremely happy as if this would be the last time they were together Hanbin didn't even care about the looks of those around him. We sat and watched the sun set against the dark sea. And then the secret sunlight of the sky entered the darkness.

"I'm sorry."

“No, don't say that.” Jiwon knew exactly what Hanbin was going to say.

“I beg you, Hanbin..” Jiwon looked into the other person's eyes. and prayed that it wouldn't be like what he thought.

"ask.."

Hanbin was silent. The sound of the waves hitting the rocks was still loud and clear. But the soft words that the other person uttered were heard more clearly than anything else.

"Let's break up."

“Because of Hanbin's father, right? We can run away together. In a few years we will graduate and be independent. Can't you wait?" Jiwon said, squeezing the hand in front of him.

"I'm sorry, let's not be like this again," Hanbin said before releasing his hand. and got up and walked away Only marks left from the sand indicate that Hanbin used to be here, beside him.

Jiwon was still sitting in the same place. Waiting for the other person who walked away to turn around. Then I told him that I had changed my mind.

But the small figure walked away and disappeared out of sight. Similar to the sun setting over the horizon The difference is that the sun still returns when its time comes.

And he kept praying that Kim Han Bin would be like the sun returning to him as well.

February 18, 2017----

After the day he decided to end his relationship with Jiwon His father acknowledged this and acted normally as if they had never quarreled with Jiwon.

"Are you finished yet?" Father followed him into the room. "Father's friend has arrived."

Hanbin followed behind his father down to the dining table. He wondered why his father wanted him to meet this friend so badly. I got my answer when I saw that a friend who was a partner in my father's company had brought his own daughter.

"Hello, Uncle," Hanbin greeted.

"This is his uncle's daughter. Her name is Jisoo. She's the same age as Hanbin," the father said. He poked Hanbin's arm as if saying hello to her.

Soon after, Dad's condition worsened every day. So Hanbin took all the time he could give his father. Follow your father's wishes in everything. That is why Hanbin decides to ask Jisoo to be his girlfriend.

2 June 2017----

Jiwon stood in another corner of the cemetery. Looking at Han Bin's former lover and the woman who is Han Bin's new lover. Ji Won knows that Han Bin doesn't love her the way he loves him. You can see that Hanbin accidentally jerks his hand away when she comes into contact with him.

After the priest finished speaking his last words Hanbin walks towards you. and came to embrace Jiwon tightly as if afraid he would disappear. with a sobbing sound

“I'm sorry about your father, Hanbin.” Jiwon hugged him tightly and rubbed his back to comfort the person in front of him.

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” Hanbin kept repeating it. Apologies poured out like a basin overflowing.

"You've never been angry at us."

"I miss you," Hanbin said, hugging the person in front of him tighter than before.

Every action is known in the eyes of the people around you and the Hanbin family. Everyone despised and detested them both. Jiwon knows that 3 months ago The person in his arms did not become stronger at all. He knew that the other person had left him. It's not because we want to be apart. But it's because of the people around us that make us do that.

Hanbin wiped his tears. Giving a final kiss to Jiwon Then pulled Jiwon away. before walking back to the woman he called his girlfriend

June 29, 2017----

03:00 AM.

They say that is the time when people are most likely to commit suicide.

It's the time at 3:00 a.m.

Hanbin sat in the dark with street light streaming through the window. Sit and look at your own reflection in the dark corner. It was actually time for him to sleep. But he stayed up late. and began to think distractedly Hanbin has been like this for the month since his father died.

Hanbin looked out the window. Look at the darkest blue sky Sadness that is like flying through the stars crossing the moon gathered around him

“Come to me and help me persuade me not to do anything bad,” Hanbin said to the person in the photo. It's a photo that they took together last year. The background is a beautiful colored sea. and his bright smile with Jiwon

The feeling is like standing on the edge of a cliff. It's both sad and scary. He was feeling that way now. The horrors he encountered were like whispers for him to jump. Then it won't hurt anymore.. But Jiwon is his beautiful moment. It was the whisper that held him back from doing that.

Another reason that keeps Hanbin alive is his father. Hanbin grew up under his father's care. All his life he had only his father and Jiwon. But now he has no one left.

For Hanbin, it was too heavy. dark love A heart that hurts The darkness of a confused mind And the suffering was too much to bear. He loved Ji Won, but he couldn't continue dating Ji Won. Since that kind of love is wrong here He's tired of fighting it. Yes, he's weak.

Hanbin stood up from the corner of the room. Walk to the computer desk next to the window. He tore up the paper. and wrote in black ink

'P'Jiwon'

I'm sorry for everything And I hope you will be happy until the day we meet again. Don't blame yourself. Because I didn't do anything wrong.

And if the next life is real Please allow me to love you in a way that everyone accepts both of us.

Please be strong for me.

Someday we will meet among these clouds.

love ,

always 

'Hanbin'

He placed the paper next to the bedside table. Use the medicine bottle with the label marked *.

fluoxetine 

Cover that paper. I went to pick up the cutter I bought a long time ago. But I've never taken it out to use. Slowly, he cut deep into his own arm. Hanbin closed his eyes. Thinking of the time with Jiwon to forget the pain right now. And I hope I don't feel the pain anymore.

The cold night in June was over.

At the same time Hanbin decided to end his own life as well.

END

(*drug

fluoxetine 

It's medicine for patients with depression.)

Don't scold us. It ends like this. We went to see the song and we were into it.

T.T