5HT– SEROTININ [Yaoi]

“Heart made ofglass my mind of stone.”

This short story is about depression, presented through the protagonist, the youngest son of a Chinese family named 'Dong', and his serotonin-like man, 'Heal', which means cure.

5HT– SEROTININ [Yaoi]

ThoughtI found a way

Butyou never go away

I think I found the solution.

But somehow I couldn't get away from it.

So Iguess I gotta stay now

Oh Ihope someday I'll make it out of here

Evenif it takes all night or a hundred years

Needa place to hide but I can't find one near

Wannafeel alive outside I can fight my fear

So I thought I had to live with it.

Oh, I hope one day I can leave here.

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years.

Need shelter but can't find it.

Want to be alive out there but I can't fight my fear

(song

Lovely – Billie Eilish with Khalid)

The sound of international music blaring from expensive headphones. A young boy was riding on a crowded electric train. His eyes looked out through the window to see a familiar luxury department store passing by as he did every day.

There were many people around him, but he didn't know when he felt so alone and empty, and he felt so insecure that his chest felt hollow. His eyes under the thick frame of his glasses couldn't see anyone clearly because their faces were all blurry.

The announcement of his destination station followed the crowd. In the waves of people, his backpack seemed heavier even though he normally didn't carry as many books to study.

Walking down the stairs from the first floor platform to the intersection leading into the shopping center, he stood for a moment. He looked around in confusion, suddenly feeling confused about his direction.

Looking down at his watch, it was past nine o'clock.

It depends on which route he should go down. To the closest?

As amusing and upsetting as he has been here for three years. Coming to school like this every day, I don't know why my brain is dull these days. I often can't think of anything. Plus he had a nightmare so he decided to find something pointless to do so he wouldn't have to sleep. So I woke up late like this.

After a moment of wasting time, he finally remembered how he should carry his scrawny body to school. The people around him seemed to be looking at him with half-surprise, half-disdain in their eyes, so he lowered his head and avoided their gazes.

Finally arriving at school, he sent a message to his friend asking if he had changed his class yet. When he got the answer that the way was convenient, he dragged the body up to the building.

“Hey Dong, you're late again! It was late last night. How many times have you finished reading it?”

'Dong', the owner of the name, laughed a little. Concealing the clouds within my heart that was gloomy, I sat down next to the person who greeted me.

“How many rounds? I played games all night.”

“Huh, I don't believe it. This bastard is a lurker.”

He actually played the game all night despite feeling guilty. For Mathayom 6 children He is considered to be the country's elite because he has already been able to enter this top state school. In fact, he should have studied hard for the entrance exam to be able to enter the Faculty of Medicine, which has the highest score in the country, as Papa hopes.

But I don't know why his heart was irritated. He couldn't read a single letter. Even though I tried to read it, I only got a little bit. Even though he once remembered, he couldn't remember.

If he doesn't play games like crazy, all he does is sleep. He sleeps all day. Some days he's so sleepy that he decides to skip afternoon class to sleep.

He thought he was just stressed... which made him exhausted and didn't want to do anything like this.

The next class, the teacher came in and taught Dong what he could only hear but didn't listen. He was lost again.

A sourceless drowsiness gripped him as he fell asleep. When he heard the call to pay respects To wake up

'Lue is lazy! And like this, how can I pass the doctor's exam? Look at him. You don't have to study a lot to pass the exam.'

'Do you know how much money Dad and Mom paid to get you to a good school in Bangkok? Be more determined. Hia Lue has been up and reading since 4 a.m.'

He wanted to say that Dong was tired. But the size doesn't speak. Even just the grade being dropped had such an effect. He chose to keep his mouth shut and keep his feelings to himself. and pretended to be used to those words, not caring about the grades that kept plummeting I just want to finish my studies.

He wanted to take the medical exam so that the expectations of the family would be fulfilled. He will not be compared to his brother again.

At home, he doesn't love his father. He sends money to him constantly. But there are high expectations as well. They also believe that using hard sticks to raise children will be effective because they have been used successfully with his brothers. So there are only complaints. There are very few compliments.

He never came to visit him at home, only that he had to go back himself. The boy from the provinces came to the city alone, without any Kohotika relatives. Learn how to take the BTS and take the bus. Learning everything as the days went by, when he returned to the deserted room, he began to drown himself.

Dong has friends but he has never opened up to anyone about this matter. To be honest, he is ashamed of his weakness. Fragile and still thinking too much Sometimes I accidentally introduce myself. Most of the time I get advice about whether you're just being lazy or if you just have to endure it and it will go away. Everyone's stressed out lately.

Final exams were approaching and the first big exam for university admissions was due two weeks earlier. He had a dizzying headache. So I decided to take painkillers every day in a row and slept for a few hours at night and woke up. Then I became sleepy during the daytime instead.

He began to have a decreased appetite, sometimes eating just one meal a few days. On the day off before the exam, I kept to myself and refused every invitation that came my way. One day I lay in the middle of a pile of books. There are math problems and various subjects scattered around. But I didn't finish any of it.

He became obsessed with social media, where he scrolled continuously, not commenting, not doing anything, just watching. The distraction made some of the pain less painful. But it was only temporary when I stopped playing. I came back feeling guilty. But I couldn't do anything.

The day before the exam, he had a violent argument with a friend. At first, Dong sat on a bench in the cafeteria, absentmindedly looking at his book. After a while, a group of friends came to say hello and sit together before starting to study together. He started speaking some language he didn't know.

He was annoyed and annoyed, so he said, “Can you read quietly?”

“There are so many people, it's noisy. You come and tutor together.”

“No.”

The person who spoke didn't care and kept pushing for tutoring. Before being bossy, he asked one by one. When he was hit many times, the emotional line that had never been broken before broke.

"What the fuck is wrong? I said I didn't want to listen!"

He stood up and shouted at the top of his voice. People nearby were shocked to hear him and turned to look. That friend lost his face. Opening his mouth in shock, his eyes suddenly felt hot. His heart pounded like his chest was about to explode. He quickly picked up his bag and ran out of there.

His mood and personality changed. He had never yelled at anyone this aggressively before his friends even nicknamed him "the best man ever." 'Ai Tong, a good person in society', didn't know what was going on.

He entered the bathroom where there was no one. His body trembled and he gasped for breath as he ran without knowing how fast.

Tong looked up at the mirror.

who?

The man's cornea was red. Tears welled in his skinny eyes until his cheeks were sunken in response. The Chinese skin that many female friends said they were envious of was worn out, with disheveled hair and wrinkled school shirts.

His mouth was pale, and the more he stared at that person's face, the harder it was to contain his emotions.

he cried out

Because now it's evening... Or even if it wasn't in the evening, he would explode like a crazy person. It is not wrong to be ashamed of the heavens and earth and cry in a way that is called crying until you are on the verge of death.

Sobbing to the point of throwing up Tears flowed like a broken dam. His hands and lips trembled. These things were all beyond my control, covering my face with my hands. He almost collapsed on the bathroom floor.

But suddenly, a hand gently grabbed my shoulder. Dong looked through the curtain of tears and couldn't clearly see the person's face, but he knew that wearing a shirt with the school logo printed on it, it probably belonged to one of the graduating seniors. The voice asked softly, looking worried.

“Are you okay?”

He felt like he had fallen into a deep hole. I don't know what to strive for, but deep in my consciousness there is still some embarrassment. So I tried to stop crying. But it didn't work so I shook my head and tried to hide my face.

His hand reached out and hugged himself, I don't know when. The stranger was taller than him before walking over and tilting his head to rest on his broad shoulders.

The faint, clean scent of fabric softener made Dong's brain spin every day he was alone, making him crave the company of others. It can be anyone, anyone who is willing to share the feeling of drowning in a well.

Lean on it and cry Then it became hugging the warmth of another person's body, something he hadn't experienced in a long time. He thought of Papa, of the day they had last hugged him. Thinking about it, more tears flowed out.

The orange sky turned blue. I cried until I was almost exhausted and then my consciousness began to clear. Tears flowed from his ears, so he swallowed a sob, slowly moving out. He bowed his head and spoke in a trembling voice.

"I'm... uh, sorry."

"pleased"

His ears turned red. I thought to myself that I was lost. Who uses this to make seniors have a half-smiling, half-non-caring sound like this? He was even more fed up.

Dong sniffled, suppressed his courage, and looked up at the stranger in front of him.

He was a tall man, good-looking, warm-looking. He had a dimple on one side of his smile and had a similar short haircut. with a Korean series star whose name he can't remember Having said that, he's not very handsome like a university student, but he looks charming.

“...Uh, your shirt.” He pointed at the shirt. The Korean hero glanced at him. “Oh, that's okay. Just wash it off."

With that, he turned to clean the stain. Tong cleared his throat, trying to compose his words again. “Thank you, brother...”

“My name is Heal, Class 71.”

“Ah, my name is Dong, Class 76.” Dong washed his face and eyes thoroughly. I looked at the clock and was almost shocked. “I... cried for over two hours!?”

He hurriedly turned around and apologized again. "I'm...really sorry. I didn't know I wasted that much time."

“Um, actually it's okay. I'm willing to help. Just today I got a day off to visit the school.” P'Heal smiled politely. "But I'd like to talk to you for a bit, okay?"

“Yes.” The two walked out of the bathroom before sitting on a stone bench with dim lights and a cool breeze blowing. Relieves some heat on the face.

Elder Heel dialed the phone before handing him some forms.

“Can you please do it for me?”

“Depression Assessment?”

(Click here <-for those who are really interested in testing)

“Um,” Phi Hil nodded. Dong had heard of this disease, but he thought he wasn't to that extent yet. But decided to answer truthfully.

The results were more shocking than expected. He really is suffering from depression.

Brother Heel received the results to see. He calmly explained with a startled face, "Depression is not such a scary disease. It's just like any other disease. If we take proper care of it, it can be cured."

“The one I had to do was a self-evaluation form. I am still a medical student and am a person who can really help you. is a psychiatrist.”

"But I'm not crazy."

Brother Heel laughed. “Psychiatrists are not only responsible for treating crazy people. People who are stressed and worried or depressed, you can consult a psychiatrist. Believe me, it's not scary. Most of the time, the treatment will be counseling, talking, taking medicine or psychotherapy."

“Oh, yes.”

We've only known each other for a short time. Tong felt like he trusted the person in front of him. “I... how should I go?”

“At the hospital

C

Fine, it's close and you should have the right to keep it here."

Dong scratched his head, stunned before finally confessing. “Well, I have never been to the hospital myself once, and I am also a child from the provinces. I don't know what to do. But if it disturbs you, that's fine. Thank you very much."

Brother Heel smiled slightly. “Then take your Line. If you have anything, feel free to ask."

"thank you"

Let's talk a little more. The two of them will separate. Tong walked a few steps and turned around.

“Phi Heel”

"yes?"

Brother Heel was pressing the unlock button on the silver car. Dong felt puzzled, so he asked, “If it were someone else? You should have been shocked and distanced yourself from me. Why did you choose to come in to comfort me?”

The other party smiled. "I feel like I'm seeing double vision. Previously, my significant other was depressed, but I didn't know until I almost lost him. I don't want anyone else to be like this again."

“Oh.” Dong nodded, feeling impressed by the other party. “Thank you again, bro!”

The senior waved goodbye and drove off.

He then talked with Brother Heal more and learned that the other party had a younger brother who was suffering from depression. I once cut my wrist but didn't die, so I've always had this in mind.

Brother Heel is now in his 6th year studying medicine and is close to becoming a full-fledged doctor. When I was at school, I always had good grades until I knew that the other party didn't have a lot of free time. But he couldn't resist asking about his preparations for depression. Sometimes I ask about life in the hospital.

Brother Heel often responds slowly. But I will always answer him. Sometimes I answered the day before and stated that I hadn't showered in two days.

After seeing the psychiatrist, Dong talked and vented what was in his heart. Releasing his feelings was a huge relief before he received two kinds of medicine. It's an anti-anxiety drug and an anti-depressant.

To him, Brother Heal is no different from serotonin.

The antidepressant he takes every day is a type of drug that helps block the reabsorption of the neurotransmitter 'serotonin, or 5-

HT’

to remain in the body Helps with concentration sleep, emotional regulation make more calm

With the advice of a psychiatrist and encouragement from Pee Heel, he began to try to talk more at home. By specifying indirectly through the expense that he went to see a psychiatrist.

At first, his family was shocked, worried, and angry. Luckily, his elder brother understood. So he persuaded the house with more force. A week later, after an argument at home, he sent a large crate of Phulae pineapples that he liked. Along with a note that if you have free time, come home sometimes.

I'm going to apologize to my friend. And let those closest to you in the group know what a waste he is of worrying about. Because friends give each other lots of support instead of anyone aggravating it.

During the first few weeks Taking medication is very painful because it is a chemical adjustment in the brain. I have to say that luckily the people around me were more understanding and thus supported my condition so that it didn't get too bad.

One of the people around me who is helpful and understanding is Phi Heel. This accommodation is shabby. Because I'm busy with studies and work, I'm glad I was still able to spare time to talk on the phone with him.

[This shows that studying medicine is very difficult.]

[It's serious.] The other party answered. [Try asking yourself carefully. whether you really want to study or not so that you won't regret it later]

Tong smiled to himself. Lately, he likes to smile silly when talking to Brother Heal. I don't know if it's because of the medicine or not. But he said it probably was.

[Before, I didn't, but I wanted to study because of you. You are a great inspiration to me. If I hadn't met you that day, I don't know what I would have been like.]

Brother Heel is quiet. Because we talked until we started getting close. Tong knows the moment. Can't help but tease. [I'm embarrassed.]

[Oh, why are you embarrassed?]

[Hahaha] Dong laughed before asking, [Brother Heel, I've been talking to you for a long time. Do you have a girlfriend?]

[No, there are only people talking]

[Oh, that's bad.]

[Yes, evil brother] The other end of the line laughed in his throat. [Although there was no intention at first, but as we talked Instead, I used taking care of him as an excuse to talk. Even though I'm not your patient at all]

[There's also this. What's her name?]

[It's not you, it's him. His name is preceded by 'T'. Sigh, even though I don't have time, the kid really likes to talk.]

Dong felt drugged for a moment. before the blood is pumped up to the face

[Probably not...]

[Imagine it yourself! Let's go. Sweet dreams, Nong 'T']

So dripping...

Dong could only blink his eyes. It turned out that that night he spent the whole night wide awake.

Before entering the exam room, subjects used for the medical exam Tong sent a message asking for encouragement from Brother Heel.

[Do your best, I'm rooting for you. No matter what the outcome is, you will always be by our side.

I love you very much]

Dong smiled, holding his phone close to his chest. Soothe yourself to be calm. Before hugging his father, mother and brother who had come to take him to the family field together for the first time in several months, his mother was still worried and asked if he was sure about studying to be a doctor. After all, there is high stress.

"I think I'll fight."

"Alright, Mom and Dad, and I'm rooting for you. No matter what, I want you to know that Mom loves Tong."

“Yes, I love you too.”

A young man struggling with depression walks onto the exam field among thousands of other students. No one knows what his future holds. Today may be strong Some days he may feel weak, but he has people around him to help. They also tried their best to support themselves. No matter what the outcome is, he will continue to live his life.

One day, he will recover from his depression, he believes so.