i cannot be loving you

Kim Jaehwan x  Lee Daehwi

inspiration -

Oh Wonder - Drive 

https://youtu.be/_w5jPT8LMF0

twitter - @_duodecim

I cannot be loving you

Kimjaehwan x  Leedaehwi

5,384 words.

It's a bit long ; - ;

I don't want to see him in my dreams. So I don't want to sleep.

Tonight is another day that has passed. I lie awake in the same bed I sleep in every day. The white ceiling in the darkness remains empty and has never changed.

I kept my eyes open in the dark room.

For now, it should be around 2:00 a.m. The sound of the clock on the wall still rings and ticks continuously according to the way it works, slowly moving every second. It was as if I was aware of the time that was moving aimlessly, as if it was a call to remind me to take the time I had left to rest before the morning came again.

But I can't sleep

My mind felt even more empty than the walls of the room or the ceiling I was staring at. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Why is it like this? I just tried to lie down and put my head on the pillow. To wait for the time when he falls asleep like everyone else and wakes up in the morning bright and refreshed.

But it hasn't been like that for a while.

I don't really understand myself, as if this body doesn't belong to me. This body is my own, as if I have only been given the right to use it to do whatever I want, including my mind. I never felt like I knew it. I only know It stays with me, it manifests itself when various events occur, but searching deep into my heart is something that is too difficult for me to do, which makes me feel that

I may not know myself at all. I don't know what I'm thinking, I don't know how I feel. It's too difficult to find the answer. Because when we ask ourselves questions, we have to come up with answers to answer ourselves. Even though it's really me Why do we even have to figure out the answer to something like this? It's probably too complicated for a fool like me to understand.

Sat back with thewindow down

Eighty an hour and theradio loud

I unlocked my phone again aimlessly before turning on a song. The volume was set to the loudest the device could handle. Music playback mode was selected.

Repeating current song

and threw the phone somewhere on the bed. The silence that surrounded the room was replaced by loud music.

I don't want to listen to music.

I just want my thoughts to be quieter.

The things in my brain and heart always collide every night with the right time or the right surroundings causing everything to flow out and give out such thoughts like this. Things that I don't often think about sometimes come out and make me think back to that time again, that happy time.

All the sad moments that happened in the past for me It's so beautiful But it hurts. When we look back, it hurts us. I usually solve this problem of distraction by playing a song loudly in my head. At least music is another thing that I love from him. It can help me heal sometimes. Even though it's only temporary, it's better than the way things are.

The same songs with thesame old rhymes

Tell me to shake it offand swing from the lights

The song that had been played had been played countless times but I was still awake. I sat up and picked up the phone that was still blaring. Before going to check your own social network, Twitter. That's the blue bird. I opened Timeline and scrolled through the stream of tweets. There weren't many.

Maybe because of timing reasons, right now it was hitting 3, almost 4. There probably wasn't anyone sitting around tweeting anything, so I refreshed my timeline again with the thought of doing it for the last time.

'cannot sleep'

It was his tweet.

A new tweet just now.

I read it out in my mind again with various feelings, as if my face subconsciously revealed a smile that was not a smile laced with happiness. But it was full of self mockery, why couldn't he sleep? So why can't I sleep like him? The first thing that pops into my mind is the thought that maybe he misses each other like I do.

But to be beside oneself is to be beside oneself, it would never be like I thought. Everything flows in to reinforce the word It's not in my heart. He probably didn't think about it. He might have just let it go. Everything about him always says that. People who act like everything is normal. While my mind was in turmoil

He wasn't like that. His sweet voice still said everything as he normally did with other people. He acted normally with everyone. As if nothing had happened, his laughter still reverberates in my brain. he looks happy

They seem happier than during our time.

We hadn't seen each other for two weeks before. True, this wasn't the old world without communication. We could talk as much as we wanted as long as we didn't see each other. We each had the tools to communicate. Communicate with each other, everything can happen as quickly as you imagine. But my courage completely disappeared when I was in front of all of his communication channels.

He disappeared for no reason.

On the first day of two weeks of not seeing each other, I texted him as usual. Everything that happened that day was normal. Nothing outstanding or exciting happened as the time flowed by so smoothly. It was normal, so normal that it was frighteningly normal. We were not a sweet couple. We always give each other time and space without interference.

Or asked something annoying. I thought I trusted him enough not to act stupid or do anything to irritate him, but there was no response from the message he sent this morning. He just read it and was shocked. hold Without responding, my mind thought of nothing except that he must have been so busy that he forgot to type back.

Or something like that, he had disappeared once or twice for several days. This time will be the same. I thought so there was no demand or asking for an answer from me.

I felt strange from the first day but I prevented myself from thinking anything.

Over the next few days, I texted him back more and more and as I read his messages more frequently I kept an eye on him on various social networks. But there was no movement, he didn't use them like he used to. I dialed his phone number to call, but only a woman's voice, an automated system, answered for me. I didn't understand these actions.

Everything seemed so wrong, I couldn't even contact him in any way. It made me feel completely disturbed, all I could do was know that he had read all the messages I had sent, even though he had not replied.

I don't understand any of his actions.

A week passed and I started to feel a bit uneasy about what was happening. My positive thoughts slowly gave in and he disappeared. Disappeared like he always did. But this time it seemed longer than the previous times. I found my own free time. before heading to his house I stood in front of the fence of a detached house that was not large.

A large key was put on the fence. Looking in, the door of the house was closed as well as almost all the windows were closed. I stood there looking at it like that, feeling quite empty inside. Before I found out he was traveling somewhere and hadn't been home for several days.

I feel like I'm being avoided. He looked away, not even having the chance to ask. Or even if you ask, there won't be an answer.

But I can't help butdrive away from all the mess you made

You sent this hurricanenow it won't go away

It's been two weeks without seeing each other. I still remember my feelings that morning when I knew I would meet him, a feeling that I missed. I miss it so much that I can't breathe. Everything is so packed inside my heart. With so many questions and such, I still remember the moment I took a deep breath before opening the door to my friend Kang Daniel's house.

The owner of the birthday party that was being held that day, I knew completely that he would be here. He was definitely going to come to his beloved brother's birthday party and that was it. I saw him standing and talking with other people at the event. Kang Daniel's birthday party was a small birthday party where no more than ten friends and close friends were invited to eat together and celebrate.

Throughout the whole event, we didn't even meet each other's eyes. I sat alone quietly. Eyes were fixed on him, who was standing there laughing and talking with everyone. Is it Ji Sung Hyung, Song Woo Hyung, Woo Jin, Kuanlin or others? He chatted and said hello. Making eye contact with everyone except me. I was the only one. The familiar smile on my face was still the same as when we smiled at each other. But it wasn't me in front of him.

It wasn't me standing there.

That night, I don't know if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling, I couldn't call it properly. But the two of us talked and it was a conversation where sentences could be counted. For him, it might not even be a conversation. It seemed like a useless conversation but at least he said something to me. I try to find a good time to use that opportunity to talk more or less with him.

I wanted to get an answer to the question that was on my mind. I wished I could say it, but those damn lips couldn't utter a single word. I could only say hello and ask how he was. It may seem narcissistic, but I feel it. That I saw a sliver of disappointment in his eyes

Everything looks uncomfortable.

I don't speak.

He doesn't speak.

We don't speak.

On that day we met after everyone had gone home. I stepped in front of him again and pulled the little man into my own embrace. But he tried to escape my embrace and I forced him back. Until he stopped struggling. He stood motionless, his beautiful hands not rising to respond to the touch I gave him, leaving both arms at his sides like that.

Everything was so still that I felt shocked. I released him from my embrace and asked what was wrong with him and why everything had turned out like this. Silence enveloped the entire area until I could feel his eyes still had a trace of disappointment as before, just like the conversation that had passed. His lips were pursed tightly as if he didn't want to say anything else to me. I walked away.

I said something before turning and walking away. My feelings were stuck in my throat, it was tight, but I couldn't do anything.

And I promised I'd bethere but you don't make it easy

Darling please believeme

Our love wasn't clear from the beginning. We started talking, meeting each other, becoming close. It all happened so quickly it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't live without him. Even if I displease him or even if he makes me sad. I feel good about the way we are together like this. We love each other, we both know it in our hearts.

Our love moves forward, not slow, not fast, not in a hurry.

Or maybe I was wrong.

The music from the old phone was still loud, and various feelings were still bouncing around in his head. It was confusing and chaotic. His thoughts were still moving. Many questions are asking for reasons and answers before Kim Jae Hwan sinks into the world of slumber.

Cause loving you,loving you is too hard

All I do, all I do'snot enough

Loving you, lovingyou

I cannot be lovingyou, loving you

Loving you, lovingyou leaves me hurt

All I do, all I do isget burnt

Loving you, lovingyou

I cannot be lovingyou, loving you

I lay down on my bed and held the phone in my hand before opening and reading what was on it. I am a light sleeper, I love to relax. If it was before I probably just walked over and turned off the light. Tucked into the blanket and closed my eyes. Then I would easily fall into the realm of dreams, but for the time being, it didn't turn out that the thing I liked the most had become more difficult.

What I loved turned out to be something else.

It was now 2:00 AM but I couldn't calm myself down. I opened every application I had installed on my phone. Open it over and over and refresh it continuously. Even if nothing new appears But then I stopped at the same application I was trying to ignore. But I clicked to read our conversation repeatedly.

I haven't responded to his messages in a while.

My mind felt empty as I read the constant messages he sent me. My feelings inside were fighting and fighting to express my true feelings, but I felt them equally. I didn't know how to feel or what to reply. So I chose to stay still. and wait for what is expected

I went back and read the conversation we had from the first time we met. Until the relationship has passed until now, I have read them over and over hundreds of times. Every conversation continues to reinforce what I'm thinking. The exhaustion of having to run after him is eating at my heart until it's numb. I'm tired, my mind is tired

I'm tired of it being like this. From the outside, it may seem like everything is fine, but it's not. amidst an atmosphere of happiness Inside, it's not like that. It's the opposite. A relationship that grows from uncertainty in a small point is causing us a lot of pain. As it grows, it feels even more intense. The more painful

It grew up despite having flaws from the beginning like some people said. When we work and there is a problem, even if it is a small point, don't ignore it. because later That small point will turn into a big problem to be solved later, and now I feel like I'm facing a situation like those words. It's a proven truth.

and should have believed it from the beginning, but we let it fester let it pass When I realized it again, it accumulated until it became a problem that was too difficult to solve.

We realized it too late.

It's something I've been thinking about throughout our relationship but haven't said anything about it. Everything looks happy. Why do we have to destroy that happiness? Being happy in the midst of pain doesn't seem to hurt anything, but it's more than one person can bear. Everything is suppressed in my mind and I can't hold it in anymore. Can't stand it anymore.

The feeling from him seemed to decrease more and more.

Count stacks of theroutine lies

Funny how easy youcould see my blindside

I can't sleep. It's a terrible feeling, the feeling that we can't control ourselves to do anything we want. They say that our bodies have their own clock, a biological clock that controls the way we live our lives. But everything was wrong. My body clock was broken. Time and bodily functions were all interfering with each other.

Can't sleep late at night, wakes up late in the morning. Eat breakfast at noon There was no lunch that day and it gradually broke down further. There's no end

It's all like dominoes.

I couldn't think of anything else to do besides listen to music, so I picked up my headphones and put them on. Before turning on the song on my phone, I pressed it without first looking at what song it was. His voice echoed loudly in my ears. It's still as beautiful as ever with the songs he composed. Inside my brain, I thought back to the day he sent me this song, telling me it was our love.

I listened intently every time I turned on the lyrics and melody from the guitar that were distilled from him, his love that said it was our love. Why can't I feel love like he does? It's probably just me, because I'm like this. Hair that seems to demand too much

Still the same songswith the same old beats

Sure I could stay butthere's a place I'd rather be

While listening to the song over and over, I opened the social network Twitter. That blue bird, during this time I haven't come to play it often. If I do come in, I just open and read things. I didn't tweet anything. Or mention anyone. Because I don't want to do anything on social networks right now, no one is tweeting many messages, probably because right now it's 3:00 AM, almost 4:00 AM, and there probably aren't any of my followers. I'm on the timeline again.

And something inspired me to type a message on Twitter. The sentence that speaks to me the most right now.

'cannot sleep'

It's my tweet.

A new tweet just now.

I typed his account name into the search box, what is it called? Go in and take a look. I clicked to look at his profile and slowly scrolled down to sit and read and understand his thoughts that were broadcast on Twitter. I went back several days as well. Until I came across the tweet of that day. Daniel hyung's birthday

'Is it still the same?'

It was a tweet that night, two weeks after we met. Two weeks of not seeing each other It's me, I'm the one who avoids him. I have thought of something like this many times. Escape to relax your mind for a bit and you'll feel better. Before I returned to being the happy old me, it wasn't the first time I disappeared. I had disappeared.

Avoid all communication, hide in your own subconscious mind. It takes a few days. Before coming back to stand in the same place, stand in the same spot. But usually the cause of every escape has nothing to do with him, it has more to do with work. But this time, it was him. The reason was him, him alone.

It started with us talking, having dinner together like normal. The conversation went as usual as he told me about an experience he had just had. It's all about his singing classes and the progress of the songs he's working on. Or is it something else when it comes to music? His eyes will shine.

It is what he loves, what makes him the most happy. Maybe even more than my presence, I think. We started talking more. Keep changing the content and topic until you reach a future topic. The story of the two of us

I told him I loved him like I always did. Hold his hand and hug him like we hugged each other. His face seemed to be smiling. But his eyes were nothing like that, they were empty. That's what I saw. I asked him if he loved me. It's a question I've been asking a lot lately. With many feelings It's all strange.

I need something to hold onto or something like that. He looked at me as if he was telling me. Asking something like that again while pretending to laugh He doesn't talk much. I know that, but I still want to hear it. He evaded everything as usual. It's like this every time and I give in to him every time. But this time, it wasn't everything that reminded me of being different, flowing into my heart. It's clearer than anything.

So I disappeared for a while.

See I remember all thetimes you made me covered in crazy

I can't forget aboutthe way you played me

At that time, I traveled to another city that I had never been to before. I closed my own house like that. It's a house where I live alone, so I have to tell the neighbors. whether to receive a letter or something like that Or if someone comes looking for me, I can tell them I'm not there.

I traveled continuously in the city, the city was not my main source, I walked sometimes, sat still, slept sometimes, and did things alone to reduce distraction. My phone has always been ringing since the first day I left. He always sent me messages. But what I did was just go in and read it and then close it.

I don't know how to feel. He sent a message to say hello as usual, as if nothing had happened. There was no questioning at all. I must have forgotten who the other person I was talking to was him. He who he is is like this, that's right.

In addition to the messages being sent that became more frequent as the days I didn't reply to him, there were also many phone calls that I didn't answer. He called me many times. But I just sit and listen to my own ringtone. Not muted But sitting and listening, at least I felt more or less the interest that was being sent to me. It must be happiness.

My own crazy happiness

I was alone for almost two weeks, during that time I had no contact with anyone, neither him, nor my friends, nor my boss. There was no response from me in any way. I don't want my recovery to get in the way while traveling alone. It made me think more. Ask yourself more. What he wants is not just his business.

But it includes every matter in my life, what will it be like moving forward? It gave me a lot to think about and I decided to stop struggling with things in life. Everything should go its own way without holding back or forcing anything. It's probably the best thing for everyone.

I think so

And so that day came. Daniel hyung's birthday My best brother, we've been close for a long time, so it was the main reason I had to go to the event today. This older brother and I haven't seen each other in several months. We'll have to meet up sometime. Otherwise, I would definitely be angry if this encounter wasn't just Daniel hyung alone, there were other people who were there to celebrate Kang Daniel's birthday. more

The hyungs that I am close to as well as Daniel hyung, they will definitely go. I think so, including him. Of course, he will definitely go. The meeting after the retreat. What it will be like, I don't know. How do I act? How do I look? I can't think, I can't think. Everything always seems more difficult when it comes to him.

I smiled when I met everyone I hadn't seen in a long time. We greeted and talked as friendly as before. We sat together in groups and took turns telling stories and things we had experienced while not in groups like this. Every hyung told me a lot of things. All the crazy and funny things that I've done.

or progress in work and success I congratulate everyone. We've known each other since university, we've known each other since there was nothing. Until now, they all have good and progressive careers.

I try to insert myself into every conversation. I don't want to leave myself alone or sit still. because i saw it I always saw his eyes staring from the chair across the room. It was as if he wasn't looking at me. I didn't raise my head to meet his eyes for the entire time. It was a strange feeling. I didn't dare meet his eyes, I didn't dare look into his eyes that were filled with doubt.

I got up from my seat.

I felt like I was being watched too much. I got up from my seat and walked to a corner of the house where I thought I would stand still for a while. Before I saw him standing in front of me, he stood still like he was blocking me from going anywhere. His face was smooth but he seemed to be saying something.

I remained silent as well, but what he said was the same as what he sent me every day. He greeted me and asked how I was doing. I answered him as briefly as I could think of, trying hard to end the conversation. Saying as little as possible might seem bad. But I can feel it I saw emptiness in his eyes.

Everything looks uncomfortable.

I don't speak.

He doesn't speak.

We don't speak.

On that day we met after everyone had gone home. I walked out of Daniel Hyung's house and walked along the path to my own home. Suddenly he was in front of me again. He walked over and pulled me back. Holding me like I rarely do, I don't know how to react, I just try to escape his embrace.

He forced it back before hugging me tighter. Until I stopped struggling I stood there, not knowing what to do. The feeling of not daring to hug him back passed by without stopping him hugging me tighter. Firm it up until it's warm. Warm but can't breathe It was too tight, and until he released his hair from his embrace, his face was no longer as smooth as before.

I saw regret from him. He asked me what was wrong with me. Why had everything become like this? Silence enveloped the entire area. He was still the same as before, not saying anything as before. Without the expression that he should have, he felt nothing at all. Why is it like this? His hands clenched tightly, he walked away from me.

before saying something Said he was still in the same place, he was still waiting for me. He turned and walked away. He said that Said he's still waiting for me, why does he have to wait for me? Why?

Like I was never gonnachange your world

It ended long ago soplease just let me go

Our love wasn't clear from the beginning. We started talking, met, became close. Everything happened so quickly it got to the point where I felt like I couldn't live without him. I always walk towards him, every time it's like I have to run after him. Running after him to receive his love, I used to think that we loved each other.

We both knew it in our hearts. But why is it me who runs after him as if he has me? But if you don't have it, it's okay.

Everything makes me think like that.

The music from the headphones was still loud in my ears, and the feelings were still bouncing back and forth in my head. It's both sad. Even though he was in pain, his thoughts were still moving. In a relationship, sometimes love alone isn't enough. Before Lee Dae Hwi sank into the world of sleep

‘It ended longago so please just let me go’

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