I just want you to be happy.

Even if I have to be the one to walk away

The weather is getting colder.

Waking up in the morning and finding that the air temperature is gradually dropping. Makes me want to hide under the covers all day. But probably can't do that. Today I have an appointment. It was an important match and I can't tell you how pleased I am with it. Because I should feel happy. But the feelings in his heart were completely contradictory.

In fact, I don't know if it can be called an appointment or not.

Spent many long minutes lying there staring stupidly at the ceiling. Before I was able to allow my body to manage my daily activities, the clock hand pointed at eight. The disheveled state of the person in the mirror looked ridiculous. Shadow ran a hand through his hair to fix it.

Okay, a little better.

His eyes glanced idly at the same white toothbrush with red stripes. And the memories that came into my head made me smile for the first time of the day.

How did we meet?

The first question many people have when they think back to the days of their relationship. For some people, it might be their first impression. For others, it might be hate at first sight.

for me

I think it's the first.

but for you

Ah- Looks like it's the latter.

We first met in the shared classroom. I'm late for class. There aren't many seats, and the seat next to you is the only option left. I secretly ate bread in class and you, sitting next to me, kept looking at me with displeased eyes.

When I raised my eyebrows back You said something. It's such a funny sentence that I burst out laughing.

'Let's eat some'

You jumped as soon as you heard my laughter. His full mouth turned down and he mumbled sarcastically that I was bothering you - with my stomach. Because you haven't eaten breakfast either. You said that

Surprisingly, I didn't view it as disrespectful as I should have.

The sharp eyes changed into the shape of an inverted moon. It's so scruffy you can't help but wonder if you can still see it. His cheeks were slightly puffy as he munched on the bread that we were dividing in half.

I don't know you you don't know me

We don't know each other.

But that was the first time I saw your face clearly.

And that was the first time we met.

As for the first time I met you?

"This base is called There is little space left, use it economically. First, I'll explain the rules first." The voices of the elders at the base welcoming the new students rang out loudly throughout the activity area.

"There are 5 red frames on the floor. I'll turn on the music and let the kids Grouped together within the frame Do not cross the line at all.. If the music is quiet, no one is still in the safe zone. You're losing!" A male senior who seemed to be the head of the base spoke fluently in explaining how to play. "The frame will gradually become smaller and smaller.

Until we have a winner to our satisfaction, haha."

"As for the punishment for the loser.. Ah- I'll tell you one more time." That senior's mischievous smile drew cheers from the younger ones. One year is very good. I smiled slightly when I saw that he was acting like a cheat by adjusting the severity of the punishment to his liking.

Looking at it, I knew that there must be quite a bit of embarrassment.

The loud sound of the music signal woke me up and I immediately woke up and ran towards the red frame. The number of people was not small but there were only five frames. Thinking like that, I immediately became discouraged. People who are being punished probably won't escape everyone here. The only exception is the person who wins.

There's no more space.

I stood facing left and right next to a strangely shaped rectangular frame. with nearly ten people packed together I looked down at the ground and saw that there wasn't even any space to put one of my feet.

Hurry!

The sleeve of my shirt was pulled from behind just as I was about to give up. Someone who was almost as thick as me pulled me closer to the smallest frame where three people were already standing. and quickly lifted me onto my back

I was confused for a long time until I heard laughter. I bent down to look. The glaring eyes that stood out in front of him made his breath hitch. He looked up and smiled as if he hadn't given much thought to skinship to a stranger.

Yes, I don't know him. I've never even seen your face. It must have been someone in the same group.

“Standing there,” he said.

And I found out soon after.

his name

Jung Jaehyun

That's you.

Why are we so close?

This is another question that many people wonder about when they get seriously close to someone.

Similar habits and preferences We meet often in class. There's a certain chemistry that makes us feel like we're destined for each other. Or maybe it's because of coincidences that happen too often.

After the incident of breaking bread in the classroom There are other times when serendipity works incredibly often, on buses, overpasses, and even when we sit next to each other twice in a row because there's no room anywhere else.

'Oh, Mr. Bread'

'Kim Doyoung.. so?'

'Doyoung, let's go eat bingsu'

'Do you think I'm fat? You dry bastard!'

The shouting sounded annoying but it made me smile every time I thought about it.

Since when did you make me feel like the world wasn't so boring?

And damn.. I really like it.

We work together almost every time. Our closeness grew over time. Our friendship has grown so beautifully that many people are envious.

Where is Doyoung? There's Jaehyun there.

Friends say so.

We moved to the same dormitory. Eat together at the table for almost every meal. We meet and talk every day. We spent so much time together that we almost transformed from close friends to family members.

From coincidence to good things

That was the first time I knew. How much do you like fate?

How close are we?

A question that sounds easy, but its answer is more difficult than anything. It may sound terrible, but two people's words are never equal.

how much, how much

the most

enough for something

Enough to be worth shedding a million tears in my heart.

Words cannot describe the word "much" as much as it truly feels.

But I'm sure I didn't just think that we were very close. We were so close that we never once thought of the day we had to part.

How will I live?

I can't stay.

We used to live our lives without any suffering. But it just used to be. Because after we got to know each other We were never used to living life without each other again.

It sounds bad that we are too attached to someone.

but..

I really can't live without you.

Why have we become like this?

Maybe it's because of the bond between the two parts of the mind. Added together with the other three parts of good feelings that I have for you

I love you - yes, I told you that.

You replied that you loved me too. Damn it, my heart was pounding like crazy. But the moment I looked into your eyes I felt like I was falling from a great height. My stomach was churning until I felt nauseous. Your innocent eyes are like small knives. Cut into the middle of my heart

you love me

But it's not the same thing.

Not the same way I love you

Time changes slowly The pain gradually increased with the distance between us. I don't know what the reason for the awkwardness between us is. No, actually we both know it's because of me. Because I was the one who crossed the line of being friends first. It was me.. that was destroying our relationship.

“Doyoung, you are the friend I love the most in my life. There is no one who can understand me like you.”

"You understand, right? I won't give up on you. Because I also don't know how to live without you."

No, I don't want to understand at all.

But the wetness that seeped through and touched my shoulder made me realize that you were crying.

We try to act normal. Even though we both know it will never be the same again. It hasn't been the same since the day you brought another person into your life.

That space over there..

A space that you never even gave me a chance to step into.

Why are we so pitiful?

How long has it been since we gradually changed?

It may not be very long in the conditions of the day and time. But it's been so long in my feelings The sweet pink invitation card was flipped over in his hand idly. The names of the two people displayed on it made me take a deep breath. Stay like that over and over.

Jung Jae Hyun ♡ Na Jae Min

I know Jaemin. The younger sister who has been with you since your third year of university. I don't deny that he is a good person. Can take care of you more than me.

he owns you

Owner of everything

Really everything

"Why didn't you help me!?"

"I.. I helped, but it was strong⎼"

“If I don't come in time for Jaemin, what will happen? If something happens to Jaemin, can you take responsibility?!" The thick palm that used to comfort and encourage me when I was down. This time, they pushed each other away without any good will. His legs were so weak that he collapsed on the ground. You could see a slight bruise on the side of his cheek. But I couldn't see any blood on my forehead.

“Jaehyun, please listen⎼” I begged, holding your leg.

"Damn it! Why are you like this?” But you never stopped listening to me. You shake your hair off like it's filth touching you. Your other hand wrapped around his shoulder, hugging him. He sobbed and told you to stop this cruel behavior.

Na Jae Min, your lover, is always so good.

So good that I hate myself for ever daring to compare myself to him. What must I do? How good must I be in order for you to love me like that?

"Why did I do it? I tried.." Tears streamed down both cheeks. Anger mixed with resentment I tried to protect your lover from street thugs. I shielded my lover when that three-faced stick came crashing down. Because I know you'll be hurt if something happens to him.

"Well, you're like this! The way you are right now!!"

It doesn't mean anything. Just the look you gave me made me scream pitifully in my heart.

No more, you, the person who is always gentle with me.

No more, you, who promised not to make me sad.

"Get out of my face."

no more

Why do we question ourselves with the word "why" so much?

disappear

That's the only thought I had.

Just go back to the condo yourself, Kim Doyoung, and put away your clothes and belongings.

The two legs, weak to support themselves from the agony, finally stopped behind the door of the room. The door slammed shut as I sat down and leaned against it, exhausted.

It hurts.. it hurts a lot.

The pain in my body right now is incomparable. The feelings that surged in made me feel numb throughout my heart.

I'm still here because of you. You said you wouldn't lose me Because you yourself don't know how to live without us. But today you told me clearly.

Why? Don't you need me by your side anymore? Why? In any capacity? Is that so? Why?

And the answer I can give myself is only one.

Overcast rain clouds began to hold back water droplets. The rainstorm is happening again.. in my own eyes

you don't love me

It's just that.

But if you ask why do I have to ask so many questions with the word why?

My answer will probably change.

Because everything that happened was just..

I love you

That's really all.

Did it end well?

This is a popular question when we end a relationship with someone. No matter what type of relationship it is.

Is it really over between us? I ask myself this question every day, unable to believe what has happened. Expecting it to be just a dream that didn't actually happen. But it's not..

The sound of your cursing is still clear in my head. The words you said to chase me away still haunt me every night. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't sleep soundly.

I look forward to the texts, calls, anything that says you'll still work for our relationship. But it never happened. I know your loved one will tell you. How much did I try to protect him?

I want to laugh through tears when I think that maybe My efforts probably weren't enough for him to turn around and look at me.

My time has been difficult. I never thought it would be this difficult. I used to think it was extremely exaggerated. The main characters in movies tend to cry a lot when they're heartbroken. But after going through it myself, I understood.

It's been four years since that day.

It's been so long with the pain that's been going on There's no such thing as time skipping like in the movies. With the feelings that I have to face myself It's not just that it says four years later and then it's gone.

It's been an extremely painful four years.

But it made me grow.

I looked down at the sweet card again before tapping my heel on the floor in anticipation. Can't help but think back to what happened. I wanted to walk in front of him and wait for his first words. I've always wanted to know what the word would be.

But you can probably just think.

"The banquet room is on the third floor." The receptionist humbly extended his hand to me and my friend. With a gesture like that, I couldn't help but bow down and thank the other person out of habit.

To say that I'm not excited would be incorrect. Well today.. It's my best friend's wedding day. But I'm not the groom's friend.

Not even an invitee

Jungwoo's expression didn't look good when he told me this good news. But it's good that he chose to let me know. I said it was the last time. I'm just one person. That is no longer of any importance in your life.

I don't want to believe it, but I have to believe it. You guys really didn't invite me. But what's strange? The last time we talked it was about me being chased like a pig and a dog.

Finally.. I went to your event even though I wasn't invited. Does that sound really bad? But what can I do? I just want to see you I want you to know that you are doing well and will be happiest as a groom.

Just give me a corner of the work and let me stand there. You don't have to see me. I just want to see you. That's enough.

So delightful Your smile is still as bright as when we first met. The joyful eyes and deep voice that spoke the vows in front of the priest slowly pierced my heart.

Did that end well?

No.

It never ended.

Ready to start over?

Don't limit yourself. Doyoung is a phrase I've heard often over the years. It's funny how I don't know how to respond to the good wishes from those people.

I didn't block myself at all. I was still standing there waiting for someone to pass by. And most choose to pass.

How many years have I spent living by myself rather than meeting other people? I still haven't had a chance to attend the reunion party that was arranged in the group chat. Jungwoo complains that I'm a bee-eating bear every time I call and I don't answer. What can I do? Since I turned to help my father with his work. I was transferred to a branch far away from the sky. Each day there is a lot of work to do.

I heard that you have two daughters. They probably have cute and adorable faces because their parents are also good-looking and don't tease them. I really want to visit. But it probably wouldn't be that good.

I've asked myself all these years: Looking at the children How good would it be to run around on the grass on a holiday?

Today I found out.

Very good

You too will be happy, right?

"Dad, I want to eat dim sum!" The little one ran and stopped in front of me. he called out, repeatedly pointing at the ice cream truck next to the park. It was as if he was afraid it would disappear at any second.

"The doctor told me to abstain from sweets. Did you forget?"

"I know.. but I want to eat."

"The tooth is crooked and isn't growing anymore."

"No, I don't have crooked teeth, crooked teeth aren't handsome." The little boy crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. The troubled expression on my little grandson's face made me smile with affection.

Being godfather to your sister's child isn't so bad after all. It's even good. I love children. I secretly thought about applying to be a kindergarten teacher many times. But due to family business duties that still require me to help, I can't move around much. Fortunately, now I have a brother-in-law who comes in to take care of many things instead, so I can take a breather and clear my throat.

"If you don't have crooked teeth, you're not handsome." The low, hoarse voice of a kid who just recently graduated from high school. Beside me, it very well drew an outcry from the little one.

“Jeff has a bad temper. Why are you doing this?!"

"I'm telling the truth. Yu can't compare to coughing at all."

"cruel! I'm sure you will!!" Mark raised his arms to his feet and waist. He looked extremely angry.

"Shh, no, let's not fight loudly." I kissed the two children on the mouth as a deterrent. An irritating little boy with a boy who teases him all over the place. Aren't you bored? We can sharpen each other's lips every day.

"Oh Dean, Mark's the only one who's loud."

"You say I first, right?"

I want to sigh with these kids a hundred times a day. Who did you get this winning personality from?

“Can you not tease me, Jeff? I'm tired."

"Well, Dean just listens to Mark. Jeff is bored." The eighteen-year-old boy pursed his lips, looking very annoyed. He kept saying that Jeff was bored over and over and was like a bee-eating bear.

“I told you not to come. Why are you being stubborn?"

"Staying home is boring. Mom keeps complaining about eating snacks."

"Wow, I ate it until my teeth rotted. How can I not complain?"

“Jeff has a rotten tooth! My teeth are definitely missing." The little one stuck out his tongue and blinked at the older one. His expression was so cute and adorable that I couldn't help but laugh. But maybe it's not as cute in Jeff's eyes?

"Shut up, Mark."

“How can you talk to your little sister like that? Hit yourself in the mouth."

"Dean can do it, but you have to hit him with his mouth."

In addition to being irritating, Jeffrey is also quite cheeky. If you count how many times a day this kid drops pearls into me, that's money. I might be a billionaire now.

"You really can't stop dripping, sir."

"Well, Jeff likes Dean."

"We've talked about this many times already⎼"

"So what? Dean's not that old," Jeff interrupted. I don't know whether to thank the child for complimenting him or be angry that he interrupted me first, but that's it. No matter what I said, I never really listened. This kid.

"I'm half a turn away from you."

“Not even, just seven years.” Geoffrey wrinkled his nose. His expression was so cute that I really wanted to give up. Why are kids these days so good-looking? Both handsome and cute It wouldn't surprise me if the girls were hooked.

“I'm twenty, Dean's not even three yet. But if Dean says he doesn't have the energy to do it anymore. I can do it myself."

"This guy is.." In the end, he could only sigh because he knew that he wouldn't listen if he scolded him anyway.

It cannot be denied that I myself am a little infatuated with the child. Jeff may seem like the kind of kid who just gets on his nerves all day long. But if talking about seriousness That he can't get this person.

Most recently, when he came to sit at my house with a confused face. When I received the email from

UCLA

When I was chosen I screamed until the house almost broke down. He ran and picked me up while standing in the kitchen cooking until he almost hit me in the face with a spatula. At first, I thought the child was very happy. But when you think about how hard Jeffrey tried to get into the university of his dreams, After thinking like that I don't think it's over the top one bit.

“What are you thinking?” a voice asked. I turned to look at his face, even though my head was still filled with fond thoughts about last week. Sharp eyes full of doubt His brows furrowed so tightly that I thought it was funny. When he's worried, this kid likes to make a stressed face. It's definitely a habit.

"Thinking about you."

"But me, Dean's a bit of a dick too."

"It's not the same. I said I was thinking about you. I don't miss you." I sternly denied, knowing that the boy was just teasing me to get me excited.

"What's the difference? It's still me in Dean's head."

Ready to start over?

Until now, I still can't give an answer. Let's just let everything proceed without rushing.

Overall, my life right now is happy. Each day passed without boredom. Maybe it's because of Mark who keeps calling for a dad like me all day. Or the kid next door who acts precocious for his age.

Let's just say.. It's been a long time since I haven't gone back to Korea. I learned about you through Kim Jong Un. It makes me feel quite happy that your life is going well. Are you well? He cooks delicious food. Let you eat every meal, right? How was the family holiday? Oh, that's right. Do you know how to iron now?

If you accidentally iron a good shirt, it will rip holes like I did with my student's shirt. He would have definitely killed you. Just imagining the picture makes me laugh.

I still want to see you. If we accidentally meet I would probably invite you to sit and reminisce at a cafe. Listen to you tell the story of your lovely daughter and wife. Or tell you about my past life.

Will it be possible?

It's not easy to stop thinking about you, but now it's less. My feelings dilute with time. The pain that happened between us has become a little scar in my heart, but it's okay now. It's such a shame that you're not together here. You may have forgotten me. But for me.. You are still a friend that I love and wish well for always.

Now I'm happy.

You yourself are very happy.

Hope we can meet again.

One day

always love,

Kim Doyoung