Many months have passed but I still can't forget Ah Fei (绯). The memories between the two of us still remain in the smell of firecrackers during Chinese New Year. Normally our two families would worship at the same time because our houses were opposite each other. But this time, each family held the event at their own home because of the incident last year. I don't have the opportunity to worship with Fei again.

“A Deng (灯) ”

“Yes, ma.” I turned to my mother who was setting up a table to pay homage to the gods and various sacred objects in the morning. Yesterday, which was the day of the family payment, we went to buy things to pay homage to at the market. Today is a day of worship. “Would you like me to help you, horse?”

“I called you just now because I wanted to help you carry things.” Mother beckoned me to go pick up the savory and dessert items on the table that she bought yesterday. Then she placed five bowls of rice in front of the altar. When the rice bowl was finished, the teacup was placed next. “Help me put down the water and the 1st physiognomy. They are heavy.”

"yes"

I accepted my mother's words and walked over to pick up the Ngo Sae plate and place it on the altar in front of the altar without hesitation. When I looked at the plate with the pig's head, I felt something strange. Even though I've been worshiping the deity since I can remember, I'm still afraid. When I was a child, I used to be so afraid that I would cry from my snot bulging out. As for Ah Ming (明)? wait?

My younger brother thought it looked funny. Not only that, but it was not enough, the words were so full of giggles that Papa and Ma were scolded according to the rules.

“When you're finished, go wake Ah Ming up for the horse. I'm tired of telling you." She complained until she saw the crow's feet on her face as she let out a long sigh. Suddenly, she looked like she had remembered something. "No, you shouldn't have sighed like this. Why is Ou forgetting himself like this?”

“Just take a deep breath.”

“But the horse holds it.” Mother looked at my hammer. I won't be able to worship you in time."

"yes"

I nodded and walked upstairs to wake Ah Ming who was sleeping in the house. My younger brother woke up so late that Papa and Ma had to take turns waking him up by pounding on the door loudly until he woke up, but that only caused the sound to penetrate into Uncle Fei's house and the nearby houses. And the horses gave this job to me because they were tired of their lazy youngest son. While going up, I could hear the creaking sound from the wooden stairs all the time, so much so that I secretly feared that it would one day decay.

“Ah Ming, the horse is calling you to come pay respects to you. Did you hear him?” I knocked on the door and called his name. “Today is a day of worship, Ah Ming.”

“Hia Deng, Ming, please give me five more minutes.” You could tell from just listening to his voice that he was still lying on the bed. His voice still sounded quiet. “You can let Papa Ma pay respects first.”

“Ah Ming, we have to worship together,” I repeated.

"Alright, Ming's up."

I felt a bit relieved that my brother was still obedient. Being the youngest child made Papa and Ma especially pamper him until Ah Ming became a spoiled child. Even though this personality has improved somewhat, it still hasn't left the mark of being the youngest child. As for me, being the eldest son, I am like the pillar of the house.

Everyone expects me to do whatever they want, making me feel like a puppet. Dad and Ma even wanted me to marry and have a family to continue the family name...until the day those two people found out that I didn't like women. But I like men myself.

“Go take a shower and take a good shower.”

The door opened to reveal the body of a disheveled-haired 16-year-old boy, wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. As a school athlete, Ah Ming's figure is quite muscular. In addition to that, he also has pinkish white skin and a handsome face. Complete with the formula of a young man who is the type of many people.

No wonder he is loved by everyone.

And what about me? Aside from Ah Fei, I can't think of anyone who truly loves me or not. Even though my parents cried and apologized until the tears almost turned into blood, I'm still not sure if the apology was sincere or not.

“Yes sir.”

Ah Ming nodded and walked over to pick up a light blue towel and then walked into the bathroom. I didn't want to stand here any longer until I walked downstairs to see Papa and Ma. This Chinese New Year is the year that I am the most unhappy because the only happiness has already passed away.

That's right, Ah Fei is dead.

After gathering together, the four of us paid our respects to the sacred things in the morning. In the late morning it is time to pay respects to the spirits of the ancestors who have passed away. I did the same job of preparing savory and sweet food as in the morning. There was also the burning of silver paper. Gold paper and clothing were given to them according to traditions passed down as well.

Which I don't really understand why they do that because they can't take these things when they die. So I think it's just the beliefs of the previous generation.

“Ah Teng”

I turned to look at the familiar voice and saw that the man I loved was throwing silver and gold paper into the flames. Dusty smoke rose from the chimney as the papers burned. When Ah Fei was alive, our two families would come together to burn paper together.

“Is there something wrong?”

“After the worship ceremony, will we go to Kim Yong 2 as usual?”

“What about the ceremony to pay homage to the spirits without relatives?” he said as if he had forgotten that there were other ceremonies remaining on the day of worship. “Aren't you afraid of your family?”

“Oh, they don't mind.”

A young Chinese man wearing thick glasses shrugged. In front of everyone, we will use rather polite pronouns. But if we're together alone, we'll use the word "fuck you" instead because we've been close since we were children. If I say it just for fun, I feel embarrassed. Sometimes they just call each other by their first names, sometimes with the word 'Ai' in front of their names.

“Besides, the day of worship will be boring. We like the upcoming travel day more.”

“Don't speak loudly.”

I raised my index finger to cover my mouth and let out a 'Shh' sound, for fear that the old people would hear and the two of us would be scolded. If they knew what the two of us were talking about, both Ah Fei and I would definitely be blocked for hours. Then Chinese New Year will become a sermon day instead.

“The old people who are deaf can't hear anything.”

“Ah Fei!” Instead, my voice caused everyone to turn and look.

“What are those two talking about? There's been a lot of noise this morning." Dad's expression looked a little dissatisfied.

“Nothing, Dad.”

“Then go,” I thought to myself that I had survived, but suddenly my annoying little brother blurted out, shocking me to the point of loss of consciousness. My life is about to fall apart.

“Hia Deng and Hia Fei said that the worship day was boring, Dad.”

“Ah Ming!”

“Oh, Dad, I'm not too surprised when Uncle Teng said that.” Huh? Why was his reaction like that? Why aren't we being scolded? "The younger generation is not very proud of their Chinese roots and culture. Dad is disappointed. Now he doesn't want to force anything."

“Papa...?”

“Also, once this ceremony is over, you can go wherever you want. Dad won't force me."

It means that he heard the entire conversation between Ah Fei and me. Would Ah Fei feel guilty talking like that to an elder? But personally, I think he probably doesn't feel anything because of his background as a person who doesn't care about anyone's eyes.

“Really, Dad?” I asked again in case he changed his mind.

“True,” he nodded.

“Thank you, Uncle 3,” Ah Fei spoke for me. “Then the two of us will excuse ourselves first.”

"Oh, it's going well."

“Ah Deng, do you hear the horse?”

Her voice made the images of the past disappear in the blink of an eye. Ah Fei, who had been standing beside him, had gone nowhere. Suddenly, his heart felt so lonely that he wanted to cry. Why can't I forget him again? No, I don't want to forget him. I don't want Ah Fei to disappear from my memory. However, it might disappear like the smell of firecrackers.

"yes?"

“Lue, you look a bit lost. Is something wrong?” Both you and Papa looked at me with concern. As for Ah Ming, he had long since returned to his bedroom. “If there's anything you're uncomfortable with, you can tell the horse.”

“I miss Ah Fei.”

“Ah Deng...I'm sorry.”

“Excuse me first. I can't take it anymore.”

After speaking, I walked out of the house and climbed onto my favorite blue bicycle. Then he headed towards Kim Yong like he had done with Ah Fei when he was still alive. Just stay here and your mind will be so distracted that you won't be able to do anything. I'm bored of continuing to pay respects to the spirits without relatives. So I thought that cycling around Hat Yai would probably calm my mind more or less.

“Deng”

"How is it going"

I looked up at the other person while I was eating noodles near Kim Yong. Although it was not yet afternoon, some people had already started setting off firecrackers. Ah Fei and I come to eat noodles here every year during Chinese New Year because most people pay respects at home. The people passing by were quite thin. And that made the two of us almost alone together.

“When do you think the two of us are going to tell everyone?”

“Stop your crazy thoughts right now!” I said to my boyfriend. “If everyone found out about that, it would be really bad.”

“Why? We just love each other, right? I didn't go and kill anyone.”

“But...the two of us are men.” That was the main reason I didn't want anyone to know about my relationship with Ah Fei. “You know that Chinese people...no...almost everyone don't accept gays like us very much.”

“Then why?”

“Fei!”

"Oh, I can't tell everyone." He finally listened to my words. But his expression still revealed dissatisfaction. “But in the future, I want everyone to know. You know that there are no secrets in this world. Besides, I don't want to be with you, I want to hide away."

“But…” The fan on the ceiling inside the noodle shop did nothing to cool down my hot heart.

“I also envy other people who have the opportunity to talk openly about their relationships. Sometimes I feel hurt because I was born and don't like women.” Ah Fei let out her frustration. He sighed once before using his chopsticks to pop the meatball into his mouth. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”

“Chew it well or it will get stuck in your throat. Besides, I can't hear it."

“Okay.” The young man who looked nerdy on the outside but had a tougher personality than me nodded and chewed the food in his mouth until it was fine. “Just now I meant to say that if I didn't like the man, I probably wouldn't have the chance to be your boyfriend.”

“Oh, I think so too.”

“Deng, will there ever be that day?”

“What day is it?”

"date-"

No sooner had he finished speaking than a loud sound of firecrackers burst into the shop, almost bursting his eardrums. Ah Fei rolled her eyes, looked up tiredly and immediately stopped talking. The smell of stale firecrackers spread throughout the restaurant to the point that I didn't want to eat any more noodles. Who had the idea to eat lunch while people were setting off firecrackers?

"Until it's finished. Sigh." I felt the same way as him and sighed.

“Are those two Aunt Tee finished eating their noodles?” a middle-aged woman who is the owner of the shop shouted to us.

“It's almost finished.”

“Then I'll set off firecrackers. Is that okay?” she asked the two of us, taking out a huge firecracker and hanging it on the front door of the store. Then he picked up the lighter and prepared it.

“No matter what.” This time, Ah Fei was the one to answer.

“Then I'll set off firecrackers soon.”

“Make yourself comfortable,” my boyfriend shouted before turning to me. His face had a strange, mysterious look that made my spine tingle. What exactly is this man thinking of doing? “Teng, I have something fun for the two of us to do while sister sets off the firecrackers. If we do that, no one will pay attention to us because everyone will turn to look at the firecrackers.”

“What the fuck? I-"

This was the second time we were interrupted by a loud sound like a thunderbolt. Suddenly, he moved his face closer before placing his red lips on mine. His face felt hot as Ah Fei did that. I really wanted to pull my face away for fear that someone would see him, but his charm was too difficult to resist.

While kissing, Ah Fei held my face so gently that I felt mesmerized. His kisses were so sweet.

“Let it be, no one will care. Everyone is lighting firecrackers right now.” That's what I said in my mind while the noodle shop owner was looking at the loud firecrackers. Now I speak to myself in my head with the same sentence. It's just that the situation has changed.

“Huh...huh”

I let out sobs of pain without shame because no one really cared about me. Tears flowed from both of their eyes and fell into the small bowl of noodles that Uncle Fei and I loved to eat. Even though the sound of the firecrackers stopped, the tears still didn't stop flowing. The memory of the man I loved inside the scent of firecrackers is still as strong as ever.

footnote

[1] Five meats to worship during Chinese New Year

[2] Name of the market in Hat Yai District, Songkhla Province.

[3] Used to refer to people who respect each other. (other than relatives or people whose names are unknown)