Born as a human being for one life Can anyone deny that they've never met love? Love in all its forms creates happiness and suffering, many flavors mixed together, happiness, loneliness, sadness, mixed with tears.

Thas Subannatham

31 May 2023

Born as a human being for one life Can anyone deny that they've never met love? Love in all its forms creates happiness and suffering, many flavors mixed together, happiness, loneliness, sadness, mixed with tears.

I am one of the billions of humans who have experienced that feeling other than parental love.

That thrilling feeling occurred when I was an undergraduate student in the Faculty of Business Administration. I like having to go out and give a presentation in front of the room so that everyone can understand the product that I have designed.

At that time I was 22 years old, not handsome or popular in any way. I graduated with a vocational certificate and got a job as a small employee in Sahapat Group. Life was about to take off when a subsidiary of Siam Cement Company called me to work in Rayong Province. But I decided to give up that opportunity just because I enrolled in an associate course with nearly 30,000 baht.

And that was the beginning of something that still lingers in my heart to this day. My class is considered a special group for working people. Study only on Saturday and Sunday. From nine in the morning until five in the evening A total of 25 roommates, all from various professions. They range from company employees like me. personal business

or even people in the entertainment industry

I'm a rather quiet person if I'm not close to you. Most of the time I like to watch and see how everyone is doing rather than participating. unless working in groups I have a close group since the beginning of the semester. and were a regular group until graduation

After studying for a while, my eyes focused on one woman. No matter what she does, I have to glance over often. And every time you turn around I'll quickly avert my eyes.

I'm not a virgin to the point of being embarrassed. Just excited by the sight that seemed to have a fire burning from within her. Calling for moths like me to fly towards me. At the time, I had a boyfriend and took him to university on orientation day once.

That classmate's name was Darakorn Benjarak. I later learned that she was 7 years older than me. She was married and had a child. But that doesn't stop me from being interested in her. Day by day I feel like this person is interesting.

Darakorn is not a very beautiful person. Compared to other women, she is considered outstanding. I really like her figure. Eye-catching the first time you see it. Tall and slender, but plump where they should be. Plus there's a lot. The only sad thing was when the group was working on a report. I didn't have the courage to walk into the same group as her.

I let everyone be so busy choosing their group that almost all of them were left with extra hair. Then a kind girl dragged me into the group.

My relationship with the actor for one semester passed through simple conversation. Eating meals together among groups has become the norm. Her nickname is Cat. But I never once called her 'P'Maew' like other friends.

I use the word 'you' to block my own feelings and make them seem distant. The only reason to do so is because the actor has a family. Everything I thought about and wanted to do with her became forbidden.

Has anyone ever said The eyes are the window to the heart. That's true!

I have proven it myself. Or do I not know that she is interested in me? Many times when I'm doing something fun and I turn my eyes to see that she's already secretly looking at me. But she didn't look away like I did. She stared into my eyes.

Feel the heat hidden inside And it usually fades when she blinks. In just a second my hope was gone. If you don't have a family It wouldn't be difficult for me to approach them since we had the same idea.

I'm not sure if my feelings at that time could be called love. It may just be lust that arouses the feeling of possession. I want to experiment, similar to a child who wants to eat sweets and his parents tell him not to. That inevitably causes a feeling of lingering. Or maybe it's like a moth that knows that fire is hot. But I wanted to fly close just to test whether it was as charming as my eyes saw or not.

“Thars, you will warn us.”

I turned my attention back to the star's face. After pretending to be interested in everything around him but you We have time to eat breakfast together. There aren't many opportunities like this.

“What do you say?”

“I'm impatient to sleep in a small space.” She twisted the corners of her mouth into a smile. But the eyes didn't smile. She may see that we are close to each other to the point where we can speak or warn each other directly without subterfuge. Beyond the high wall that once separated us both from opposite sides.

Huh!! I was stunned for a second. What was it?

What does she want to convey? At that time, I admitted that I couldn't keep up with her. Outstanding phrases that never come out of her mouth always come out of her mouth when we have time to talk alone.

Whether it's good hope, concern, or something else, I can't be sure. Sometimes I think she is a great teacher. Many aspects of my personality I learned from her.

I faked a laugh and smiled to distract her from starting the conversation. And I was in too much form to ask her exactly what it meant. Trying to figure out the meaning of what she said Of course I was impatient and probably too much in her eyes.

To this day, I'm still not sure what that short sentence meant in her mind. But I can only interpret two words: death and prison.

...It shouldn't be wrong.

She is an unparalleled cunning person. And at that time I was just a young man in her eyes. I feel humiliated and embarrassed every time I think about it. To the point that sometimes the good feelings you have for the actor turn into hate in a second.

She manipulated me. There were many ways to try to determine if I was interested in her or not. She would pretend to compliment the rest of the group in front of me, and I was foolish enough to jump into the trap she had dug for her.

I felt like a fool when she stopped complimenting others and turned to look at me with a mischievous smile that looked like she was winning with satisfaction.

My witch...

Before graduation, we sat and talked alone again. And this time she put all her bets in her lap to knock me down.

The actor succeeded. I was ashamed of my stupidity. And remember that this was clearly a test of your own inexperience.

“If you really want to have a lesson, it won't be difficult.” She looked at me with a look of determination and challenge.

Look at what she's saying. Just the first sentence made me turn my face ninety degrees. She is amazing at digging up old stories and retelling them. Good at things that make me feel so bad that I don't want to admit it.

“Do you really think so?” I said stubbornly, staring back at her.

The star smiled fiercely. His big eyes never left my face. Sparks fly between us and she laughs triumphantly.

“Think carefully, Sidharth,” she trailed off. “Tharot shows it every time you compliment someone in front of him.” The actor narrowed his eyes, a smile on his lips like a person holding the upper hand. I can't help but think that she knows my thoughts. You know my heart more than I myself. Like this, how can I not be interested in her?

I gritted my teeth, pursed my lips in a straight line. I want to get up and snatch her in to fight her to get rid of the insults she made in front of her face. My pride was crushed by her.

I am completely at a loss...

A dry smile that he tried to force appeared on his face. I turned my head to look at the view of the trees rather than wanting to speak to her again. The actor seemed to be aware of my defeat and did not repeat the matter. I am truly grateful to you for still being kind to me and leaving some of my dignity intact.

She plays too hard But I am willing to play this game myself, who is to blame?

Today I know and am confident that I will not be a fool anymore. Various methods and a hundred tricks, carts of stars It makes me able to deal with girls easily.

I was calm, keeping my impulsive personality behind a cold face that was full of smiles and friendship. I'm not handsome, but I'm lucky to have a height of almost 180 cm. and a body full of muscles that I always exercise. I make a serious commitment every morning for at least half an hour before showering. Many girls like to look at me, and I know that. So I have to please them.

My relationship with the actor was clearly just that of friends until I graduated. For two and a half years within the university walls, I had to endure with my heart. I was wrong when I thought about the day we had to part ways. I'll get back to being myself. I expected that, but no...

I miss you so much. During the first year of not seeing each other, I tried to follow news about her from close friends. Just knowing what she was doing made me happy.

After two years passed, everyone began to grow apart. Separate and go on with your lives. It's like a remnant of the time that brought them together. and dispersed

One night I dreamed of her. In the dream, the actor had an accident and died. I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating all over my body. Anxiety rose until it was difficult to suppress. I glanced at the girl next to me. She is my new girlfriend and we have only been dating for a short time.

I turned on the bedside lamp and picked up my watch to check the time.

Hit 2.45 minutes

I sighed, wanting to grab the phone and call the actor right away. But you have to suppress it with the word appropriateness.

noon of new day I was annoyed that I couldn't muster up the courage to dial her number. I walked down the fire escape from the third floor to the parking lot behind the building. And tell yourself that you have to be brave.

"hello"

Her voice, her voice answered the phone. I was so excited that I could hardly contain it. Try to keep your tone from being suspicious.

“Miss Cat, it's me.”

“Who?”

"Thas Subantham"

“Oh, what's up, Thanos, what's the matter?” Her voice was calm, without joy or excitement. But it was me who felt stupid again. I wanted to hang up the phone and run away and disappear onto the cement floor so that I would know that I would survive.

Why did I call her!!

“Uh...are you okay?” I asked.

“Good, that's right.” Her voice let out a small laugh, as if she knew what she was thinking. Even though I couldn't see her face, I could tell that she was definitely staring at me. That's her characteristic.

"Good. Last night I dreamed that Miss Cat had an accident." I paused, listening intently to what she would answer.

The actor was silent for a moment and then laughed. I couldn't guess what she was thinking. Are you worried about what I dreamed? Or are you laughing at my stupidity?

"So how is it? Did you die?" she asked.

“Death,” I replied softly.

“Okay, they say death is renewal. Thank you for calling.” She was silent. Deliberately leaving space for words to disappear.

I almost sighed when I felt her concern for me. At least you can smile. I didn't feel like a fool like I did in the beginning. The uncomfortable atmosphere dissipated with the hot breeze of the sun.

I didn't invite her to talk any more, but said a simple goodbye and hung up. My heart is as weak as ever. It's not fluffy and floating anymore. After that, I didn't follow her news anymore.

Until one day, I received a message from a friend in the group that I was getting married. I immediately promised, feeling so happy that I didn't want to keep that feeling. Because of this opportunity, I will get to meet celebrities. It's been almost five years since I met you again.

Romantic garden wedding I stepped inside the banquet, which was shaded by trees and decorated with various shades of pink and various flowers. But I couldn't stop my eyes from stopping. Many pairs of eyes watched me every step of the way.

Then I found what I was looking for: a star. She was sitting at a table on the side of the stage. I stared at her face. The steps came closer and closer...and my toes stopped.

Next to her was a man, tilting his head to talk. His body shape is no different from mine. But he...looks charming. Their age is probably similar to hers. They both look very suitable for each other. More than a kid like me

Some feelings rushed through my mind, jealousy, regret, everything was so confusing that I didn't know how to put my face to normal. My heart constricted heavily as I turned to greet my friends who were already seated. I pulled out the chair across from her and slid myself into it.

I smiled humbly at the man next to her. And she introduced me to her husband and their six-year-old daughter. My heart aches. Immediately angry

I turned away from the picture and talked with another friend. But then my heart began to freeze with the not-so-subtle opening questions from the people at the table.

“Are you really married, Thanos?” Pupe, another sister from the group, greeted. His bold personality and big, powerful voice made me shrink. I thought to myself, 'Should I just open my mouth and announce it?'

“True,” I admitted, swallowing my saliva several times harder than before.

“That's it. At first, I thought I was taking photos at studios just for fun.”

I gritted my teeth. Whose wedding photo was taken just for fun?

“According to the news as well,” I laughed, glancing towards the actor. His breathing was interrupted. Upon meeting her gaze before, she suddenly greeted her in the middle of the group.

"Thars...how do you look? Are you getting old?"

What are you asking for? There are ten friends sitting there right now. I don't know why she asked this question. I screamed in my heart but still forced a smile. As I studied her bright blonde hair, It was almost two shades brighter. I like the original dark watercolor more. Going down with a sea blue dress, revealing smooth white shoulders. His eyes stopped in the middle of his full cleavage.

Mmm! Beautiful, I shake my head a little to chase away distracting thoughts.

“Not much has changed,” I said, and she smiled. But it was a smile that I couldn't guess whether she was delighted by my words or not. Or what are you thinking? My uncomfortable feeling of not being myself returned again. It's like this every time I'm in front of you.

Khun Witoon, another close friend of mine. He asked about my marriage with interest. I know that Hia Witoon has nothing. I'm asking because I want to join in congratulating the young people.

"I didn't invite you to marry me or tell your friends about the wedding. What's wrong with making a girl pregnant before getting married?"

“No, brother,” I hurriedly corrected myself, “dressed simply, only for relatives. I didn't invite anyone, so I'm sorry to everyone." I replied indifferently. Choose not to look straight ahead. I don't want to meet someone's unreadable stare.

I don't want to be so confused that I often don't appear like myself in front of anyone. This is enough to make my neck stiff for days. At the event that day, I didn't talk to the actors again. Just look at each other from time to time. That clearly revived all my memories.

All the good feelings I've ever had for you. It made me so satisfied that we all went our separate ways. Everyone seemed happy to see each other again. But for me, this separation is hopelessness, despair, wanting to stop time with you and me. Cut everyone out of your life. I dreamed...that's it.

The day I wrote this story to remind myself of the memories since I met the actor, it's been a full 10 years. My feelings for her are various. It can't be called love. It cannot be concluded that it is hate. And I don't even know what category to put her in besides 'friend', but it probably isn't. Because I never contacted her again.

Friend is a word that I think I'm starting to really hate. Why does it have to be just friends? Why can't it be more than that? You're not wrong, and I'm not wrong. It's a matter of feeling, not being able to force consent without your will. I used to think that if she didn't have a family, it probably wouldn't be me that she would choose to be with.

Because we have too many things in common. Especially about his impatient and winning nature. Hold your own dignity above all else.

I still miss you... I can't completely deny that I don't care, that I don't care. It's just that the time that passes by dilutes that intense feeling. relieve distraction Some dreams have been removed from my heart. But the fragments of the memory are still imprinted in my heart and will never fade.

Finally, if I feel guilty, it would be my partner who never knew the memory of another woman who influenced this worthless heart. I feel guilty for my little daughter who turns four this year. And finally, I feel guilty about myself for not being able to answer that. Have you ever loved anyone besides yourself?

Thas Subannatham

31 May 2023