Many people probably believe or wonder how babies are born...yep! I don't mean the physical birth of a baby. But I mean the spiritual birth of a baby. There are many beliefs that lead us to believe that The baby has been with its mother since before it was even born...

And I believe that too because it happened to me...

My name is Jane Watson and I am forty-two years old. I'm married and have a family and I'm happy. I have two daughters and, to be precise, I once had another son but he is no longer with me in this world. I love him very much, probably more than my other two daughters.

What do you accuse me of being a mother? But you still don't know, I've been connected to Michael for a very long time..a really long time. It started when I was three or four years old. Art Hour: A beautiful art teacher told me and my friends to draw pictures of our own families. Draw a picture of my father, mother and me, but I don't know why.

That's why I wanted to draw another boy. But not as my brother or my boyfriend (why? Because I'm too young to have a boyfriend!), but as my son. After that day, I always felt that One day I will have a beautiful son and I will name him Michael. I really feel that way.

And I've always felt for him. Until a long time passed, I grew up and fell in love with James.

When love is ripe and everything seems to fall into place So we decided to get married. James and I have been married for two years. I was pregnant with my first child. I secretly hope deep in my heart I hope that kid is Michael. I asked the doctor that I would not want to know the sex of my baby at the time.

“Don't you want to know? Is our baby going to be a girl or a boy?” James asked me as we sat down to dinner.

“I think I know. What gender are you?” I answered confidently.

Doubt appeared on James' face. I never told James or anyone else about Michael. I'm afraid they'll say I'm delusional. I'm afraid that when I listen to other people's words so much, I might eventually follow them. and thought that Michael did not exist I might eventually forget him.

When my due date arrived I was very excited. After eighteen long years of waiting, I would finally meet Michael. When I recovered after giving birth The first thing I asked James was: Where is your child? I wanted to see him as soon as I opened my eyes. I miss...miss him so much.

“Honey, our child is safe. You're in the incubator,” James answered me with a smile and a sparkle in his eyes at the mention of the child.

“Is that so?” I smiled in relief. But I really wanted to meet him anyway.

“Did you know? Our daughter is so cute.”

James still said with a smile of joy at becoming a father, but me, it was as if someone had hit my head with a hammer. What did he say just now? What's going on with a daughter like that? It must be my son.

“What? Daughter?” I didn't even have the strength to say those words.

"yes! You're very cute. I can't wait to let you see me. You will definitely fall in love with you…” James continued talking about our first daughter. But I'm not ready to listen to anything. Sadness and disappointment were pounding into my chest. I can't breathe. I know I have wronged my daughter that I am not happy to know that he is not the person I waited for. But I really can't accept that you're not him.

After leaving the hospital There were many times when I sat there, lost in thought and thinking to myself. Or was I actually using my childhood delusions to convince myself that Michael existed? Or if he really existed Why wasn't he my son? And how long will I have to endure missing him until it's time for us to actually meet?

Two years after Kelly was born I'll be honest, Kelly is a sweet kid. You almost never make me worry about anything. But whenever I sit quietly with myself, I always think of Michael. Finally I got pregnant again. This time it was like a trial for me. It's like now I half believe Michael's story and half don't believe it.

But deep down I still secretly hope that This time it will be him. And James himself seems to want a boy. So if this time it's Michael James himself would be quite happy. And it will most definitely be the best gift of my life. As always, I don't want to know the gender of the baby like I did the first time.

But what was different was that my confidence was full and the due date was nine months away this time. I feel like it will last longer than the first time. Maybe it's because I'm waiting for him more than before.

“Darling..” When I opened my eyes It made me want to know the truth from James whether this time it was Michael or not. Because I'm so afraid of being touched Afraid that the truth is not him. But finally I decided to call James.

"How are you? Okay?” James walked up and kissed my forehead and asked with concern.

"Uh..about our child.." I asked, not fully audible.

“Oh, yes! We have a baby girl again. Actually, I secretly hope that I want to be a man. But that's it. It's good to be a woman.

Kelly will have friends to play with…” I felt my heart squeeze again. My head was completely blank...what else was wrong? Why was it still not him this time! Or should I just accept the truth? Michael never existed. He is just my imagination.

Two weeks after returning from the hospital I put Kelly to bed and put Chelsea in the crib after he slept for a bit. James had just returned from a long day of hard work. sleep comfortably in bed I sat down on the bed next to him before leaning down and kissing him softly on the cheek. For a moment, I thought in my heart. If Michael were born

He must be as handsome as James. The nose would be prominent and ridged. What more athleticism from James? Girls will definitely crowd around him when he grows up. Thinking of this place, my tears that once dried up Flowing out again, my life that everyone thought was perfect. fully prepared I have two lovely daughters. Also a good husband

It would no doubt be a wonderful life for others, but for me it still felt like something was missing. That night I cried myself to sleep since I don't know when. But I dreamed of a woman in her late 20s who looked kind. She was dressed all in white and looked like an angel. she smiles at me

“Do you really want to meet him?” she said in a clear voice. Who do you mean..Michael?

“I want it. I miss him so much. I really want to meet him. And I've waited so long for him. I've waited almost my whole life.” I cried as I said those words. Her expression changed. From what used to be a smile, this time there was a slight worry.

“Are you sure about that? ...he will be born But he could only be with her for eighteen and a half years. Just eighteen and a half years Can you accept it?”

“Yes, yes, I just want him to be born with me. Anything.” I agreed immediately without thinking about anything. I just heard the word that he will be born and he will come to live with me. I just want him to be with me, I'll accept anything.

The next morning I woke up. When thinking about last night It put me in a good mood all day. He's coming to live with me. Even though it was probably just a dream from me thinking about Michael over and over. But it restored my confidence.

Two months later I got pregnant again. I feel in an exceptionally good mood. Maybe it was because I was sure I'd found him. James noticed that I was in an unusual mood. But he didn't say anything. Nine months passed slowly. With my joy increasing more and more The day I've been waiting for has arrived...

I opened my eyes again in a familiar white square room. James was sitting on the sofa next to my bed reading the newspaper. I should be confident, but now I feel afraid again like the disappointment I felt two times ago. It makes me afraid to face the truth, a truth that might hurt me again.

“James...our son. Male or female?” I immediately got to the point. If it's going to hurt, I'd rather hurry and get hurt. There is probably nothing worse than being disappointed over and over again.

“Baby, we're having a boy!” James shouted happily, spreading his hands towards the sky.

“Yes?” I wasn't sure so I asked again.

“Man, our son is a man!”

As soon as he said it again My tears couldn't stop flowing. But it is no longer water of disappointment and regret. He finally had his true identity. I'm about to meet him.

Everything has always been smooth. My life was fulfilled the day he was born. I don't need anything anymore. My life is more complete than it ever was. Michael is a lovely boy. He is not stubborn or naughty. He loved his two older sisters more than anything. He is an extremely gentleman.

Most importantly, his nose is as prominent as James's! When reaching school age Michael also did well in school and was an athlete at school. He has never caused me any problems at all. It makes me love him more and more. From what I used to love so much It became very much love. More than anything

Maybe it's because the bond between us happened in the real world and not just in my imagination anymore. I pray to God every day that he will stay with me for a long time. And thank you so much for having him born to me..but it seems like God didn't listen to my request.

One evening while Michael was changing clothes in the dressing room after basketball practice. He felt such a headache that he fell to the ground. His friends on the basketball team rushed him to the hospital. His coach called to tell me. My heart dropped to the floor. I rushed straight to the hospital.

When I arrived, the coach let me in and talk to the doctor. That made me even more upset. If nothing serious happened to Michael then the coach would definitely have the courage to talk to me.

“Uh..your son. He has gray matter on his brain,” the doctor said, running the tip of his pen around the black area on the x-ray film stuck on the room wall.

“Look at this film. The meat lump is already quite large. To remove it The doctor said it was quite risky.”

The doctor's expression was rather troubled as he told me the bad news. My brain is all messed up. It was as if someone had taken a stick and hit it hard in the middle of my head and slowly cut a knife into my heart.

“Is there no other way?” I asked, looking for my last hope. Even though I know It's so flickering

“The doctor is afraid..it won't be there. It's another three or four months from now. His symptoms will become more and more severe. At best, he might live up to six months. Doctor, I'm really sorry to have to say this.”

The whole world seemed to suddenly disappear. To me Michael is worth more than anything. That round lump of flesh was about to take my heart away from me. How can a person live without a heart? My tears that disappeared the day Michael was born came back again. This time, it didn't seem like it would stop flowing easily. I clenched my hands so hard that my nails were scratched, but I felt no pain at all.

“The doctor thinks that you should spend the remaining time with him to the utmost value. The doctor is really sorry.”

When I finished washing my face I walked to Michael's room. I feel like the path is really short. How can I look at his face without crying? I opened the door. Michael lay on the bed and smiled at me like it was nothing.

It happened, and it made my heart squeeze until I couldn't breathe. Because those eyes of his were so red. Moreover, the tip of his nose was a little red. He knew the truth and he just cried as well. I went straight to hug him. I hugged him very tightly. Everything I want to say I want him to know that how much I love and care about him is conveyed through a hug without saying anything.

“Mom, do we want to go to the beach tomorrow? Give it to Kelly. Chelsea and her father went along. Let's all go together. We haven't been to the beach in a long time...I miss the times when I carried Chelsea on my back and Dad carried Kelly. And then we raced together. Let's go." He smiled at me. The eyes of the pair I love are filled with clear water.

“Okay, Dad will probably be able to take time off work this holiday. And Kelly and Chelsea don't have to go to school. Wherever you want to go,” I told him.

When Kelly and Chelsea first found out Both of them refused to come see Michael at the hospital, they both still couldn't come to terms with it. And he would definitely cry if he saw Michael's face. They didn't want to make him feel sad as well. When the promised holiday arrives We hung out at the beach near Maribou.

Michael's favorite place Everyone looks happy. Everything went smoothly. Everyone acted like Michael was normal. The fourth month has passed. Every day that passes It made me even more upset. It's because of what I promised the girl of my dreams. It rings in my ears every day, when I'm asleep and when I'm awake.

And when I let my mind go, I blame myself because I agreed to such crazy things. Why did Michael have to be like this? I counted the time and he was actually eighteen years and six months old. But he is still with me today. And I hope there will continue to be days to come. Lately, his condition has deteriorated greatly. Until a few days ago, Michael had to go to the hospital so he would be under medical supervision at all times.

Late on the night of the twenty-second of January, Michael died at the hospital. I cried like a crazy person. God has taken my heart away from me. I felt Kelly and Chelsea run over and hug me. But that feeling was more like a dream. I fainted and fell into Kelly's arms.

The next morning I woke up to have the harsh truth hit my heart again. It's like everything in my life disappeared and there was nothing left. How can I live without my Michael beside me anymore? I refused to go to Michael's funeral on the first day. Because I couldn't bring myself to accept that he had left me.

It's more like I'm dreaming than reality. Sometimes I think he might be hiding from me somewhere in the house. And many times I went into his room. and found only emptiness Every time, all I could do was sit and cry like a hopeless person. I blame myself and I'm angry at myself for letting him be born. And agreed to that without thinking about him. I put my happiness first without thinking of anything else.

Because of me, he had to leave at this age and he had to suffer. Everything is because of me

One night after James finished making arrangements for Michael's funeral. He walked over and kissed the forehead of me, who was crying on the bed. “Jane, we will bury him tomorrow. You really aren't going?” James' words made my tears fall harder. Seeing this, James could only shake his head slowly and walk into the shower. I pulled the blanket over my tear-covered face.

I saw the same woman I saw dreaming about before Michael was born. The person I made a crazy contract with She still looks the same. Everything seems to be the same as it was before. She took Michael's hand as well. Michael was dressed in a clean white outfit. he smiles at me Smile like he used to smile at me.

“Michael..” He didn't have time to say anything. My tears flowed again.

"Mom...don't cry anymore. I'm fine and I miss you."

“I'm sorry...it's because of you that you had to be like this. I'm sorry. If I didn't agree to your child being born. The child may be born to someone else. And you might be able to live a happy life somewhere. The child may live longer. Might meet someone and got married But it's because of my mother.

You are the one who took those things away from your life.”

Michael was smiling, but his eyes were watering. He tried to reach out to me but it didn't reach. I don't know why

“Don't blame yourself like that, Mom. All the time I lived with my mother I'm very happy. Mother gave me love Mother gave me life There is no need for anything more than this. And mother, you don't have to blame yourself. The more Mom cried, the more sad I became. It's because of me.

I chose to be born to my mother myself. Don't be sad, don't cry any more...Just thinking about me is enough."

I sobbed harder...he will always be a beautiful child to me.

“I have to go. Tell Kelly and Chelsea I miss you. And I would like to thank my father as well. ...I love you, Mom.” He smiled at me one last time before the woman in white took his hand and walked away.

the next morning I woke up and showered and got dressed to go to Michael's funeral. James looked a little surprised. So I called everyone together before telling everyone the story of last night. Kelly turned to hug Chelsea who let out a gasp...I didn't cry when he buried my Michael. Because I know he doesn't like seeing me cry.

And he will still be with me. Always alive here..in the hearts of all of us.