A record of memories of a man who has passed away... leaving only a record.

Father's Notes

I walked into the old storage room where Many stories are grouped together in this room. An old wooden room that my father built to store things. and father's old books The inside of Father's old book was placed in the same place with no signs of being moved. Father's notebook kept on the top shelf.

I tried to climb up and pick it up several times. Until I saw the small stairs that Father used to climb up to get books again and again. I reached over and took down Dad's notebook and the books he liked to read. I accidentally dropped my father's notebook on the floor. There was a small piece of paper in the notebook. This time the paper was separated from the notebook easily.

I bent down to pick up my notebook and reached out to pick up a small piece of paper. Its contents Written in my handwriting, the letters may not be as clear as before, but they're easy to read and understand. The sentence written on that piece of paper had the meaning: “Dad, I will be a good boy.”

As I can imagine, I must have been about ten years old at the time. That day I made a mistake and my father didn't even speak to me. I ran away to play with my friends and disappeared for so long that my father I searched for him and my father couldn't find me. When I returned home, he didn't even ask where I was going, but looked at me until I was afraid to walk into the house. The sentence that chased me hit my ears. "

Wherever you go, don't you think anyone is worried about you?"

That day stunned me. That day, I went to play so far away that my father couldn't find me. I wanted to talk to my father that day, but I couldn't because time had come until he had already left me. Why didn't I say these words from that day, "Father, I'm sorry"?

I opened my father's notebook. Sympathy inside is also written. The blue ballpoint pen remains unchanged even though many years have passed. Father's handwriting was not very good, some words were illegible. The corner of the first piece of paper I ever saw and remember. These are the words my father wrote to me.

“I will raise my child as best I can.” Tears slowly flowed down without any appointment. When I opened another sheet of paper, this was my picture. “It's your birthday, sweetheart.” I remember my father being the person who was both my father and my mother. When I was born, I still hadn't seen my mother's face. From the time I was born until every day, I thought I didn't need a mother because my father did a good job with everything. I suddenly thought of my father. “Father is my provider.”

On the first piece of paper, Father wrote a short sentence. “Dad, I'm glad you got first place in the exam.” I remember when I was in kindergarten, I got first in the exam. Dad went and announced to the whole market that I had gotten first place in the exam. I can't help but smile no matter how much time has passed. Dad, you will always be in my heart. I am proud to be your son.

Another sheet of paper was slowly opened. “Don't be disappointed that you don't have a mother. Father promises to take the best care of you.” Father always told me that my mother had already left me. Since I came out of my mother's womb, my father said that my mother did not intend for me to be born. That time it was a huge mistake between my father and mother. I was born unintentionally.

But I'm glad to be born as my father's son. Even though mother is far away

When my father took me to school, I didn't cry like other children who squirmed in the dirt and sand until my clothes were all dirty.

Dad repeats this to me every day. “Study hard, son.” Dad dropped me off at school and then he left me here. I was temporarily confined and couldn't go anywhere except where I was forced to study under the supervision of a teacher. When the teacher learned everything from my father's mouth, "I don't have a mother." Dad, I'm afraid my friends will tease me until I feel like I don't want to study.

Dad tried everything he could to make me perfect. The teacher said that my father loves me very much, so I must be a good child. Even though I may be lonely sometimes, it's probably no different from other children. who wants a perfect family What my father is afraid of is that I will be a repressed child with problems in my heart. I admit that I have had some.

Why, why don't we have a mother like everyone else? To the point where I thought about committing suicide out of regret that I didn't have a mother like everyone else. That day, I climbed to the top of a tree at school and wanted to jump off and break my leg. But when climbing up to reach the destination Will we die at all, or will we suffer, or will we not die at all but be disabled? Father will suffer again.

It's better to get down. It's not that I'm afraid, but I don't want to leave my father. When it was time for me to go home that day, I still remember my father's smile. Dad grabbed my head and said, "How are you? Did you have fun studying today? Please tell Dad about what you learned today." “Daddy's heart is so strong, I love you.”

I turned the book to another page. Sentences and messages inside “I am disappointed in you,” read the message on that page. I've been waiting for my son for too long. Where are your children? Do they have enough to eat? And how many days has it been since you haven't come back? Or have you missed your father? The father waits for you every day. I don't have enough food to eat on Father's Day because

If the father eats delicious food, he is afraid that the child will come back and the child will be hungry and have nothing to eat. But when the child doesn't come home, the father throws out all the old food and makes new food for every meal, waiting for the child to come back and eat the food that father made. I wait for you every night and day, waiting for the day you will come back to eat with dad. Father must eat rice and fish sauce.

To wait for the child when he returns so he will have good food to eat and fill his stomach, but the father will be disappointed. Every time because there was no sign that the child would come back. The sound of the door opening makes me happy every time. I'm happy that you're back, but I'm disappointed because the sound of the door opening isn't you, but someone I don't want to meet at all. Right now, all I want is you to come back. Eating with father, eating food that father made, father, father, but waiting for the day when the child will come back.

I feel so sorry for myself. I want to go back and fix what I did to my father. I couldn't do it because my father wasn't there to help me fix anything anymore. "Dad, I'm sorry." At that time, I remember very well that I was very attached to my friends, sleeping and eating at their friends' houses, forgetting about the father who was waiting at home. Because as we grow up, we no longer need to have a father.

I can't remember the date I went back. When I opened the door to go back into the house that day, I didn't see my father anywhere.

I called my father several times and there was no answer until a neighbor came running to tell me that he was in the hospital. Father fainted in the house. A neighbor came to look for him but found only his body, calm and still on the ground in front of the house. It wasn't long before I came home. My neighbor is coming to close my door.

When I followed Aunt Pen Hospital My neighbor brought my father to the hospital.

When I went there, I saw my father lying on the bed in the common room, with Aunt Pen sitting on the edge of the bed. The voice I heard from my father's mouth

“Are you back now, child? Dad made delicious food at home. I'll go eat it later."

I asked Aunt Pen what was wrong with Dad.

I'm tired. My father hasn't slept in many nights.

Why isn't daddy sleeping?

I'm afraid my son will come back and not be able to enter the house, so I have to wait for him every night.

My feeling at that time was very wrong, "ungrateful." I stood and looked at my father and promised him that I would not go anywhere again. If I stayed home and didn't go anywhere, my father wouldn't mind. What did I do that day? And the words I said when I was a child that I would be a good child It doesn't mean anything because right now I can't undo what I've done.

I really regret the time that has passed. But now I can only do as I told my father that day. “I will be a good person.” Even though my father is not there to hear my story, I want him to know that “I love you.”

Another page of Father's diary was opened. A business card fell to the business card surface. It's old and has a picture of a fish stuck in the corner. It reminds me of a goldfish. The number on the business card is the fish store's number. I remember my father taking me there. Take goldfish from Anon's house. Anon raises goldfish. Fighting fish for sale at Chatuchak Park

That day was my birthday, the day I was accidentally born due to my father's actions.

Dad chartered a boat to buy a goldfish bowl. and the toilet circle on the Rangsit Canal in the Rangsit Canal With so many shops to choose from, I still remember that my father negotiated the price from 60 per tub to 50 to buy four pieces. A small terra cotta basin and a toilet ring cost 60 baht each and a floor cover for the same price.

at the tub shop I still remember the shop opposite. There was a young boy playing rock music.

Micro, another angle An aunt sitting in the same shop turned on the TV loudly, competing with the radio's rock music. Dad put his hand on my neck and he said that each other's passions can't be kept together in a small space because they would face obstacles in the future.

The owner of the shop where Dad bought the tub said this happened regularly.

Dad replied back that like this, who would enter the shop?

“That's right, who's going into the shop?” came the reply from the fish bowl merchant.

Dad said that if we lived like this, the two of us, father and son, it would be fun, wouldn't it be fun?

No, Dad, it's better like this.

This mother and son duo attacked each other with technology. The aunt used the screen of a color TV to broadcast images along with sound, knowing what was being done on the TV. As for the son, turn on the radio without pictures but with a loud, emotional sound.

Dad took me out on a boat to buy goldfish. Before returning to the house, we stopped at Anon's house. When we went up to the house area, many dogs ran up to stare at me and my father. Some wagged their tails. Some made the cruelest faces, baring their fangs and threatening to bite me and my father.

Then a large man walked out of the house. His name was Anon.

Hello, have you come to get the goldfish?

Dad replied that he had bought a tub and there were no fish in it and that he would come here and get the goldfish.

Then Anon took me and my father to the goldfish pond. I saw some ponds with a few pairs of goldfish and some roots in them. But some ponds have many large goldfish but no roots at all. And the goldfish swam slowly inside the pond. Father scooped up the goldfish in the pond. Eight of them, Father said. Let's just do this for now because the sink isn't enough to raise it alone. It dies, so I feel sorry for it.

I'm definitely not waiting for Dad to leave Anon's house.

A ten-year-old like me wants to know why?

Dad, why are there tree roots in the pond?

Dad laughs. I think why do you have to laugh? It's not funny. I'm serious.

The father replied that he put it in the father goldfish and the mother goldfish and they had already bred.

When the eggs are laid, the father will attach the eggs to the roots of the tree. Then he took me to look at the goldfish eggs.

Numerous goldfish eggs clinging to the roots of trees, some clear and some cloudy. In the pond there were small fish resembling needlefish swimming in a pond with many goldfish eggs.

Dad said this is a goldfish; in a few days it will have a tail.

Why is the baby so long? Ten years old and I want to know why?

Its body was long, it was a large, fat goldfish. It had expanded since its body was small, so it became long. Father finished speaking and arrived at the waterfront pavilion. Take a boat home That day I was happiest raising goldfish. "I'm the happiest, Dad. You know that?"

I looked at my father's diary again. I saw two movie tickets stuck on a piece of paper in my father's notebook. Father's short words “Today, Dad took me to eat bean curd across Central Department Store. Today we went to see the movie Jurassic Park.” That day I went to see the movie with Dad. I told him that I wanted to see it and to know about the life of dinosaurs.

I don't remember how old I was at that time. Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park movie. When the movie was shown, there was music that caused excitement. The story proceeded normally. Many people in the movie theater The suspense was focused on the large screen where the large characters of the story were clearly visible. The sound inside the movie theater creates a quiet atmosphere.

But everyone's eyes are glued to the movie screen. As for their hands, if they're a pair, We know that this dinosaur was a meat-eating creature. This one ate vegetables. I watched this movie and this isn't fun if there really is such a thing in this world. The appearance of a fierce-looking meat-eating creature named Raptor, until it was named RS artist In those days, I looked into my father's eyes.

Dad didn't care about me at all. He was only interested in the movie. I felt hurt too. When the movie ended, many people left the movie theater without hesitation.

Dad asked me how the movie was. Was it fun?

Does it really still exist? I ask because I see it from realism.

I don't have it anymore, but my imagination is still there. There are still people who think of dinosaurs. Look at Mother Naga, her child dies, there are still people thinking of her even though she no longer exists in this world. But there is a story passed down that Mae Nak Phra Khanong is real and has a husband named Nai Mak and a son named Ai Daeng. which has been told until the present But what many people, from small children to grown adults, know that Mae Nak Phra Khanong has long arms that reach out to collect lemons under the house to cook for her husband to eat.

At that time, the husband still didn't know that Mae Nak had died, and no one could tell him much because he was afraid that Mae Nak would strangle him. So no one dared to tell him much, but they all ran away.

I just found out that my father likes this too. He likes to watch and listen to it and then tells it to me. “Then who will tell me next?” I miss my father.

This old room made me feel the love that my father gave me, but I never knew what his feelings were like. Before I knew it, it was already too late. Dad had already reserved a ticket to heaven. I feel like I'm beginning to feel tired. Luckily, there are chairs in this room. The ninth chair that Dad used to sit in was the same one that I sat on his lap. It remains intact, unbroken.

Even though there is a little bit of dust, It might stain the clothes I'm wearing. When I brush them, they're clean. I opened my father's book and came to the next page.

To Nonlukrak

I'm glad to be born as your father. I am most happy that my son is a good person. It won't be long before my father's graduation ends and he himself may not have the chance to live until his graduation day. I got up and warned my father, but he didn't listen to me. I want you to stay with me for a long time. I'm sorry, son. Father has terminal cancer. The doctor told him that he will be able to live with his child again.

Three months later, I've come to terms with my son, but I'm sad that I can't continue being with you. "Father, I love you." From now on, you must be able to live without me. Father, you must be patient. Don't be discouraged, don't give up hope, don't let your father die in sin. I have planned everything for you. Until that day, your child will know. Father himself doesn't have many possessions, only teachings that will make him a good person in the future so that he can teach his grandchildren to be good people.

But don't be like me, son. Preserve the goodness of your children. Throughout my life in this world, I have encountered enough things. The happiest thing I've ever been to is being a father to my child. And if the next life really does exist, may we be born as father and son again. For the remaining three months, the father will spend his life with his child as long as possible. “Daddy loves you.”

father

“Why didn't you tell me that day?” If he had told me about his condition that day, I would have rushed home. Don't leave your father alone. “Father, I'm sorry, I'm the worst son in the world.”

Three months before my father left me, the university had a freshman program, so I had to stay on campus to help out. I do this every day. When I go home, I always greet my father when I come home.

What does Dad have to eat?

Some days, Father still doesn't sleep. He will always answer to me.

Are you in the kitchen? How are you today? Are you tired?

I felt that my father's voice was strange. At that time, I didn't say anything and went to get medicine for my father to take, but he had to force me to accept the medicine I sent him. Even though I know that there is no medicine that can cure my condition, I have to accept the truth.

Dad, I think he doesn't look well. He must have a fever. Take your medicine first, Dad.

Dad held out his hand to take my medicine. It's like tears flowing from my father's eyes. Father's eyes were red and bloodshot with tears swirling around the black rims.

I told Dad that he needed to get some rest. Get plenty of sleep. Tomorrow I'll cook rice porridge for dad to eat. I covered my father with a blanket. Dad smiled at me one last time.

I still remember that night well. Dad was unconscious, panting all the time. I called him many times. “Dad, can you hear me?” Dad still didn't listen to me. Father's gasping sound was so loud that I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. "Dad, don't be a problem, Dad." I ran without thinking for my life and knocked on the door of Aunt Pen's house. Bang! Bang!

Aunt Pen Aunt Pen

What is it? Aunt Pen ran out in a hurry. By wearing a sarong and a basket-neck shirt.

Dad, Dad.

Aunt Pen didn't listen to the next sentence. Hurry and run to my house. When he opened the door to his father's room Father's voice fell silent. I felt "so depressed." Aunt Pen walked over to Father's body.

End of suffering, end of sorrow. Don't worry about your child. I will take care of it like a child, like a grandchild.

Why does Aunt Pen say that? No matter how close I walked to my father's body, there was a stench that I couldn't tell. I had never encountered anything that smelled this strong. It flows from Father's body. It came out in a stream with a foul odor. I wasn't sure if it was my father's blood or not. It was coming out of my father's anus. Father has passed away.

I'm losing my mind, I'm losing everything that day The feeling is more indescribable than any loss in this world for my entire life. There is nothing more important than father.

But if father tells me a word “I made the rest of my father's day as perfect as possible.”

But I didn't have the chance to do it, so I could only say in front of my father's corpse, “Father, I'm sorry.”

I still sit still and look around And I thought that Dad was near me in this room, the room where the memories between me and Dad are kept here. “Dad, I love you.” I opened Dad's diary to the last page. On this page, there was only a picture. me and dad I was a little kid then, sitting on my father's lap in the chair I was sitting on.

I sat in the chair that my father sat in. Until I saw a short message under the picture.

"Promise me daddy that you'll be a good kid."

I stood up and looked around this room. Along with making a promise,

“I promise, Dad, I will be a good boy.” The teak door opened. The sunlight shines in front of us. It was a sign that I had to move forward with the promise I made to my father.

blue clouds