TRIGGER WARNING

"Contains content about suicide,

Gaslight"

Please use your discretion when reading.

hospital

In a room where the light is rather dim Until it made me think I was close to fainting again. The doctor in front of me spoke up.

"You have a headache... You have to be very careful about the temptation. As for exercise, don't do it too hard... That is, don't let your heart beat faster than 120...in any case, it would be a good idea to buy a heart rate monitor as well.” He glanced at where I put the exercise watch before nodding. “As for food, you need to cut down on spicy, salty, and spicy foods that should be avoided.”

I felt a little lost when he spoke. But I thought I remembered the main things, so I didn't ask him. "Yes," I replied.

“Here is the prescription. Eat as the farmer orders.. Hey–” —but he didn't finish speaking. The young doctor in a coat suddenly stood up. Before walking slowly outside the door with an angry expression… “Be quiet!” even though you're outside But his screams could be heard through the closed door. Loud enough to fill both ears

It wasn't long before he walked back in. “Where are you now? Oh, yes…” As soon as he came in, he said it himself, walking over and picking up things here and there. At the end he ended up handing me a guide card. “I'm really worried about your life in society right now, but I wish you the best of luck.” He returned to his normal self, although there was no smile on his face. The corners of his eyes were black.

Every part of his body had deteriorated to the point that he looked about 10 years older than he really was, even though he should have lived his youth. “Thank you,” but I could only smile and thank him like that. Because this might be a good thing that humans can easily give to each other.

“But you know what, Doctor…” which came before “There's probably nothing that can make my heart beat faster.” I gave the doctor some relief.

When he got up, he opened the door. I realized that the inside of this hospital was full of sick people. It was full of people chattering back and forth. In one corner, I saw a person sitting alone shivering with no nurse paying attention. In one place, a little girl tried to sleep on her mother's lap but couldn't because of the environment she was in— —Wow!!

In that second, a nurse shouted loudly, causing everyone to panic. before she ran wildly down the hospital hall, with security guards not far behind. A few seconds later, everyone returned to the chaos of the atmosphere as before. …and all this All the chaos

and this disorder It's what I feel comfortable with.

Building… Building…

I put my hand on my chest and look. and could feel that his heart was still beating at a normal rhythm

square

On the way back home after finishing seeing the doctor, Saek... Saek... I was walking and kicking a pile of leaves on the side of the road that had just been swept up. I sighed softly. I kicked one pile and sighed once. Of course there was the sound of people shouting behind him. But I didn't pay much attention to it. …I continued walking for a while. Until he stopped in front of a store that had a large clear glass front. At the same time, there are some shadows reflected if you look carefully.

At 39 years old, the image of me reflected in it looks much older than my years. Wrinkles on the cheeks are clearly visible. Wrinkles on the forehead and crow's feet, plus hair tends to turn gray quickly due to genetics. If he was greeted as a middle-aged man, it wouldn't be that strange. Immediately I stepped back to see what the full substance of myself looked like.

And this time it's not just about looks. Because of the size of the dress, I thought it was a pretty shirt. It looked like something crumpled. The white color it was in was completely covered by the dust and smoke of the outside world.

—Pleng! But the moment I was examining the substance, The glass suddenly shattered. The woman's blood-covered body sprang out. other than the broken wound The rest of her body was damaged and her face was bulging. She looked like she was the wife of the owner of this shop. which while I was looking The look in her eyes seemed a little strange. It was a look that...what should I call it? Angry? "Why didn't anyone...help me?"

The woman gritted her teeth and spoke. But I don't know if she realized that at one point she accidentally bit her lip and now blood was coming out of her mouth. The shop owner then walked out of the broken glass.

"scream! help! Someone help me!” A scream sounded as soon as her hair was pulled back into the store. The injured back was scraped by a glass pane, causing a deep wound. It seems that the husband doesn't care at all. And the surrounding people didn't seem to care at all. Me too…too.

Building…building…

house

“Where did you go, old man!” When he opened the door to his house, What I got was my wife's voice. and the sound of a glass bottle slamming into my forehead Of course, this is something serious. But I can understand her to a certain extent. “The doctor said I have a heart attack... If anything, will you help me?” — ​​“Have you learned to worry about your own health now? Hey, so what?

The last bit of money was wasted. Just play it, you stupid gambler.”

I closed my eyes gently as the blood on my forehead could be felt at the corner of my right eye. “I'm sorry, darling.” I knew these words were too late. But I still believe that from now on I will change myself. Just a few days ago, I was a gambling addict. But do you know that before that I was addicted to alcohol and cigarettes?

I've even hurt her. But that was a story from many years ago. Year after year I was able to quit one thing at a time. Except for gambling It really made me money.

But who knows? That it reached a certain point where it was too much. It made me lose everything in the blink of an eye. “Darling? How many years have I not heard these words from you?” she said with an angry look in her eyes. My wife used to be the most beautiful person. The most beautiful in the world But now she is no different from a drug addict. skinny pumped body

Hair falls out in clumps. All along I thought she just had some kind of disease. But actually it is accumulated stress. So I accepted and endured the time when she became moody like this…

“It's… me.” But at that moment, “Daddy!” The little daughter's voice rang out. She ran out of the bedroom. and rushed to hug me with a cheerful expression. She was already 12 years old and could not tell the difference between anything. In this current situation, she is acting like she always has. interrupted both of us with a cheerful expression on his face. “Is something wrong, my son?”

“Daddy, will you go with me?”

go? Where are we going? Do we have money to go anywhere? and without waiting

“Father won't go with you... Dad must be here.”

And then my wife walked back into the room. And came out with a piece of paper and walked towards me, which made me think that she was going to throw punches at me. But she handed me the paper. “And this is the result of your actions…”

Divorce certificate

Building building...Building building...

“How…” I was speechless. Daughter clinging to my waist It was immediately removed. Everything at that time was quiet. I stared at the divorce papers that were just waiting for me to sign with a blank feeling. At that time, I didn't feel my daughter's crying voice calling me. or even a little palm

that tried to grab me Unbeknownst to me, my wife had walked out of the room with a large bag.

Until my consciousness returned When the two of them left this house and will never return

And with that consciousness, I realized that besides the divorce papers There is still another piece of paper behind it. ...It's a house seizure notice. Because the house payment has been overdue for too long. And the moment I felt like I would change everything today Whatever it is, it's already too late.

…After that, I returned to sit and reflect on the living room sofa for another several minutes. But still haven't found a solution. With this situation, I would probably have to find a place to sleep outside. There is no family to rely on anymore. And that's what made me turn on the TV. The TV is always filled with depressing news about death.

and wars erupting everywhere But it still hasn't arrived in the city where I live.

But while scrolling through each channel, The TV was suddenly forced to change the channel to the national alert.

“Now the danger of war has come to our country. We are ready to diligently defend our sovereignty. Come fight with us. for peace and your well-being … May God protect you.”

Now I can't feel anything anymore. Right now, your eyes can only stare at the TV screen, which is looping a message urging people to take up arms and fight to protect their own lives. ...but my life now It has been completely destroyed.

Building… Building…

disastrous

I decided to walk outside to get some fresh air. But it looks like a big city full of tall buildings right now. There are planes flying around. and the military vehicles that were being routed together to cut them off There is a point where weapons are distributed to able-bodied male citizens. There is a shelter service point for children and women, but if women want to join in the fight, they can.

But they are worth more than fighting. Because they have a significant impact on the future development of the nation. Including creating productivity clothing necessary for the remaining people

But in my eyes now A small country that now has to conscript untrained men and women to fight. In the future there will probably be only defeat. So why didn't they give up? It's probably because the big country that controls us is forcing it?

which while walking At the nearby tree sat I saw people's legs dangling. Black pants with white gown I looked up and up and finally saw his face.

And he… is the doctor who checked my heart this morning. A man whose face always resembled the living dead. But now his tongue was tied to the branch. That face looked happier than ever before. Perhaps this was his greatest happiness. I feel a little happy. It was better for him to choose this path than to endure enormous pressure for the rest of his life.

I thought I was a little pleased. But where?...Now I'm the only one standing and staring at the body of this doctor who passed away peacefully for a long time. I don't know. I feel like a person who chooses to end his own life... It's more interesting than when he was alive. Think about what circumstances he had to go through to make this decision. It's not a simple conclusion.

Saying that suicide is a 'short thought', but there's so much more to it than that. Even right now I don't even have the heart to want to commit suicide.

And that's when someone approached.

“Uncle, are you interested in serving the nation with us? If so, take this gun. and go find a good place to hide and act like a normal citizen. and slay the enemies.”

“...I” I thought about refusing. But in the end, when he handed me a military machine gun, I accepted it well. "thank you"

“You're welcome,” he winked at me once. before walking back to the military tent

At that moment, I looked at the machine gun in my hand that was black and not shiny. It was clearly an old gun that had been dug up for use during the war. But this is the first time I've ever held a gun. Plus it's a gun with bullets ready to fire... I'm a man after all. So holding a gun like this made me a little 'excited'.

Building building..Building building..

But not before I was too happy. The sound of something hurtling through the air from above was so loud that it hurt your eardrums. In the blink of an eye, I looked for it... that 'rocket' had crashed into the middle of the road—

—The loud explosion immediately tore my eardrums. But even faster than that, my consciousness died from the intense pressure. Everything went dark…in the blink of an eye.

Building…building…

quiet

I thought I had died And it would be nice to actually die, but when I lifted my eyelids Pain began to spread to every part of the body. And that's when I realized I was still alive.

“Just… Just…!” I pushed myself up from the rubble. He brushed off his body that was covered in white dust before choking on the smoke again. Before looking up and looking around again…now the place that used to be a building was only a skeleton. Many buildings collapsed to the left, to the right, to the front, to the back. But luckily, one building fell right where I was.

What's more, it's a gun that doesn't know where it's gone. But that probably doesn't matter anymore. Because it's clear that we...lost.

Wink…

Now both of my ears are hurting. There was only a long sound that could be heard. When I put my hand around my ear and looked at it, I saw blood all over it... I completely lost my hearing.

…building …building

“Heh…” At that time, I decided to wander around the ruined city like a man with nothing to do.

…I have come across a restaurant that has people standing and cursing every day that is now completely destroyed. I met a famous barbershop that only gave hair to people with money, which was similarly destroyed. But even more depressing than that was the nursing home. And the orphanage that stood next to those terrible shops was also destroyed. In the end, everything is the same in the end.

No matter how I walked, I could only find destroyed places or corpses. Didn't find any living things -

Jit Jit…

Maybe… there will be some, like the mouse just now. where it is chasing cockroaches... But that's it. It seems like I'm the only one alive. Witness the end of the chaos that is regularly seen. Seeing that now everything is equal when there is nothing at all. It was so quiet…

Or is it because my ears can't hear right now? So just calling it 'calm' is enough.

building building building building

But I don't know why. Even though I wasn't walking in the forest or anything like that. Without realizing it, I walked back around to the starting point. Probably because the city, which was unique in its colors and shapes, was destroyed until it no longer had any of its uniqueness left. But it wouldn't be right to say that. Because I knew that I was determined to walk to the starting point where there were 'trees' and 'benches'.

and the happiest person that was sitting there waiting for me It must have been because of the force causing the rope around his neck to break. As a result, the body fell down and sat down on the bench.

I walked in to find and sat down beside the happy man. before using a finger to shove his tongue back in. and rearranged his sitting position With his right arm draped over the backrest. Legs comfortably separated His face slightly turned up. Left arm rests in lap

“You look much more comfortable than before…” I said even though I couldn't hear myself. Previously, I didn't mean the dangling episode. But it was when he talked to me about his disease.

Now I can sit back and relax. Then he looked at the ruins where nothing else had moved. Aside from the dust that was slowly clearing up, there were only two people left in the place right now, no, just me… alone.

Building, building, building…building, building, building

I felt like I could hear my own heartbeat. It seems like it...will beat faster or not? But how? Even though I was actually resting.

In my past life, I was familiar with everything. There's nothing that easily frightens me. If it weren't for a really serious incident, someone would get shot in the face. There will be drivers crashing into each other with loud, ear-splitting sounds. I wouldn't be shocked. Past life was like that. Everything was chaotic, violent…annoying.

I feel so uncomfortable. Why do you feel like this?

…building building building building…

In my past life, everything was successful. I had a wife, had children, and had a job. But in the end, everything began to fail one by one. Of course it's all because of me. …but at that time, I felt fun and happy with it. The way it should be Until something very painful slowly happened.

and assimilated to make me numb in the end So I thought that I probably didn't have anything that could make my heart beat faster. Even if it's something as exciting as getting a gun. It still can't make you feel uncomfortable.

Building, building, building… But why? Why can I hear my heart beating so fast? It was uncomfortable…but when I looked out at the deserted place, It felt more comfortable again.

“Relax…comfortable. Like that?” And the moment I opened my mouth I understood. …Because this place isn't quiet because my ears are deaf. But it's been quiet since everything was wiped out. Even if it's deafening, if I can still see people there. The silence that ensued was merely crippling. But the chaos

And annoyingly, it will still be in sight—but not anymore. Now there was only an empty place without people. Peace that can be seen with your eyes and the silence that even the deaf can feel

At that moment, the doctor's body turned on its side and rested on my shoulder. I could feel it. Now I have reached true peace. I want this doctor to see it once. See what true tranquility is like And if there really were that day, the two of us would definitely talk to each other, or maybe not, because he's accomplished a lot more than me, haha...

“Huh.”

building building building building building

I closed my eyes little by little. Ready to breathe in the smell of dust and smoke of this quiet place until it fills your lungs. The sound of my heart that shouldn't have been beating quickly suddenly became unstoppable, because this was something I had never experienced before in my life. It is extremely light and comfortable.

My chest started to feel tight. My breath became labored. In the end, I couldn't stay happy for much longer. No…this is the longest happiness of my life. ...Yes, my heart. Even his body was shocked and excited by the calm that this body had never experienced before when it opened its eyes.

building